Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

f-18.jpg
 
A married couple is fast asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The groggy husband answers it, expecting the worst. After listening a few seconds, he shouts, "How should I know? Who do you think I am, the weather man?" and slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"I don't know; some guy wanting to know if the coast is clear."
 
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
 
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 
Fishing in a frozen lake It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.

The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
 
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?
 
In Italy a poll was taken to determine why men get up at night. Here are the results:

10% to raid the fridge
15% to have a pee
75% to go home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my growler?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, ” says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”

Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

“I can also make it wink, ” says the woman.

The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The Scotsman moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”

Stunned, The Scotsman replies, “Good grief! Can it whistle, too?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.

That’s a little gnome fact.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the little old lady who confused her valium with her birth control pills.

She had 14 kids, but she didn’t really care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I once knew a man from Boston Mass
Who had testicles made out of brass.
When he clanged them together,
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sick of people telling me to “calm down”
and “release the hostages.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A pessimist thinks all women are bad.
An optimist *hopes* all women are bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People often say women are too emotional. Have you ever seen a guy lose at video games?

Its like PMS on steroids

Bada bing, bada boom.
 
Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?’ I asked.
'The patch.'
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!!

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
 
football fan...my wife, aka the Admiral, is a physician, and I am offended. And in the words of SteveRuss...."not even remotely funny".

Jaybeaux
 
Last edited:
@Jaybeaux sorry you are offended, Sorry your wife was offended. Didn't think this was offensive since this was the doctors and nurses sharing their experiences.

So tell me - what offended you?

When I got this in an email I thought it was funny. Was talking to my uncle tonight (who is a physician) was sharing some of these stories, he thought these were funny.
 
Shared them with my wife who's only a RN an she thought they were funny also!! Me, I thought they were great!
 
most of the stories have the doctors name and location shared publicly...

not sure if @jaybreaux is actually offended or if he is just pranking and offering a funny comment.

jaybreaux - are you really serious about being offended?

Wow - we are to the point of using snopes to determine the validity and accuracy of a humorous story???
 
Wow - we are to the point of using snopes to determine the validity and accuracy of a humorous story???

I was curious and just googled the Detroit doctors name...and Snope's came up with a lot of info. I thought it was interesting so I shared part of it ...go read the article in Snope's ...it's interesting it goes thru each joke and quite a few more.... Don't get wound up in a joke thread...it's not right... if I took the "wow" the wrong way ... I am sure we can talk through it :)
 
Last edited:
I thought they were funny. But I guess as with most 'jokes' somebody has to be the butt of it. I'm often the butt of my own jokes.
 
I thought they were very funny. True or not.
Geez, if you don't like what you read, see, or hear don't continue reading, looking or listening.
 
football fan...my wife, aka the Admiral, is a physician, and I am offended. And in the words of SteveRuss...."not even remotely funny".

Jaybeaux
Now that's some funny chit right there... I don't care who you are!
 

Forum statistics

Threads
112,943
Messages
1,422,707
Members
60,927
Latest member
Jaguar65
Back
Top