Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a dock line?

A: One should be whipped at both ends: the other keeps your boat tied to the dock.
 
A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?” “Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”
 
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?

A: A Buccaneer!
 
A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"
 
Due to the slumping economy, Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Ironically, when they get to bankruptcy court, they’ll have to wait in a line a mile long for two hours only to realize later that this ride really isn’t all that great.
 
Times are tough...

  • I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked,”Can you afford fries with that?”
  • CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
  • If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  • Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
  • McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
  • A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
  • Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore or anywhere.
  • The Mafia is laying off judges.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • Congress says they are looking into this Bernie Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50-Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5-Trillion disappear!
 
Q: How many boaters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

Or none because they switched to LED...
 
An old lady walks into an attorneys office, and asks him “Before I continue young man, how much will you charge me for answering three questions?”

“Roughly 300” he says.

“Oh my,” she says “But isn’t that very expensive?”

“Yes,” he says “So…What is your third question?”
 
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy rubbed his vintage vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
 
A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:

$100 due for a consultation.
 
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put all my money in one of those big banks, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘INSUFFICIENT FUNDS’.”
 
“I just can’t take it anymore” cried Larry to his Priest. “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to put bread on the table!” “Larry, listen closely to what I am going to tell you” said the Priest. “Go to a quiet place outdoors where you can spend some time with the Lord. Sit down with the Bible in front of you and let the wind turn the pages. Close your eyes and think about the Lord. When you open your eyes, see what page the Bible is opened to, and there you will find your message.” Three months later the Priest was walking up the church steps when he spotted Larry speeding by in a brand new Lexus. “Larry!” screamed the priest incredulously. “What happened? Let me hear your story!” “Well,” said Larry “it was just as you said. I sat in a quiet place, closed my eyes, and when I opened them the answer was right in front of me. It was opened to Chapter 11!”
 
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but cling wrap for shorts. The psychiatrist says...

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
 
The will be a formal Crow dinner on the South Lawn of The White House, Saturday at 5:00 pm.
All media is invited.
RSVP
201-eat-crow
 
There's this butcher and one day as he turned to go home a dog stopped him and there was a note in his mouth. The note read "Can I have a steak and three sausage links please?" The butcher took the note and gathered the things. When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty dollar bill in the dog's mouth.

The dog grabbed the meat in a bag and padded off. The astounded butcher closed up shop and followed the amazing dog. The pair soon came to a bus stop. The dog looked at the schedule and sat down on the bench. The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus, looked at the number and sat back down. Another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number and saw it was the right one.

He got on, the butcher closely following. The bus rumbled on and the dog jumped up walked to the front of the bus, leaped up and grabbed the leaver to stop the bus. As the dog got out with the butcher in tow he set down the meat at the beggining of a walkway and ran all the way up and banged his head against the door of a nice house. The dog did it again and hopped up on a fence to peer in the window.

The canine knocked on the window with his head and jumped back to the end of the walkway, grabbed the meat and walked up to the door. The door opened and a man walked out and started to yell at the dog. The butcher ran up to stop him. The butcher said" what are you doing? This dog is amazing," "What are you talking about, This is the second time he's forgot his key!"
 
A man goes up to a very beautiful, big-breasted woman in the supermarket and says, "I've lost my wife somewhere. Can you talk to me for a few minutes?"

The woman is confused and asks, "Why talk to me?"

The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
 
Researchers say that one day it'll be conceivable to develop new body parts, such as new breasts and new hands.

It's expected to be a huge moneymaker, on the grounds that when ladies develop another breast, men will need another hand.
 

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