Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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“A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.””
 
“A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiancé’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.” The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.” “But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.” “Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked. “I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”
 
“A police officer stops a motorist speeding down Main Street. ‘But officer,’ the man says, ‘I can explain—’ ‘Be quiet,’ snaps the officer. ‘I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.’ ‘But, officer, I just wanted to say—’ says the driver. ‘And I say keep quiet! You’re going to jail!’ replies the officer. A few hours later the officer looks in on his prisoner and says, ‘Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.’ ‘Don’t count on it,’ answers the motorist. ‘I’m the groom.’”
 
What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be?

A bride-to-be wants a shower before her big day, and a groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his.
 
Last edited:
gordovip24 said:
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage


A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a
cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Click to expand...
Split my gut on that one
 
My Father-In-Law was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to my Father-In-Law's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back." My Father-In-Law replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
 
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My Mother-In-Law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
 
At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
 
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
 
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
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  • 1st in beer

  • 2nd in wine

  • 3rd in whiskey

  • 4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:

  • The 1st worm in beer, dead.

  • The 2nd in wine, dead.

  • The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

  • The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class, "What do we learn from this experiment?"

A child responds, "Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, will not get a worm infection!"
 
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. "50 bucks." comes the reply. "50 bucks?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty bucks or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.

The following week, the bishop's around for his supper and is having a wander around the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty bucks, actually"

"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."
 
Three women are about to be executed by firing squad.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''


Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''
Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''
 
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Hoping to find a different opinion,, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
 
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again".

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"

Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
 
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