Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols'.
 
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I's makin' love to me wife!", Perry answered, annoyed.

"Oh! I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!"
 
Oh, absolutely. You may only make it to the end of the ramp but if you were in the boat before it sank on the trailer you could make the claim that you had boated on the loop.

I'm not sure you could get membership in the Great Loop Club or whatever that name is. :rolleyes:
 
A guy brings home a robot that slaps people when they lie.

At the dinner table, he asks his son what he did at Billy's house the night before. The son says he did his homework. The robot slaps him. The son says, "OK, we watched a movie". The robot slaps him. He says, "OK, it was porn".

The father says, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was". The robot slaps him.

The mother says, "Well, he's your son". The robot slaps her.
 
Last night I went to a Christmas party. I had a few eggnogs, followed by some beers, a few cocktails, and then of course a few shots.
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waived it past. I arrived home safely with no incident. This was both a relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even remember where I got it, now that it is in my garage, I'm not sure what to do with it.
 

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