Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Random thoughts and one-liners

1. A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station is where the train stops. On your desk is a workstation.
2. If God is watching us, the least we can do is to be entertaining.
3. I saw a woman wearing a shirt with “GUESS” on it, so I said, “Implants?”
4. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
5. You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need one to skydive twice.
6. My opinion may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
7. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
8. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
9. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
10. If Bill Gates had a dollar for every time I had to reboot my compu…. Oh, wait, he does!
11. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
12. Cemeteries are raising the cost of burial plots, and blaming it on the cost of living.
13. Well aren’t YOU a waste of two billion years of evolution?
14. We are all time travelers – moving exactly at the rate of 60 minutes per hour.
15. Smith & Wesson – the original point and click interface.
16. The easiest job in the world is a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst that could happen? If everything went wrong, you might get a pulse.
17. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
18. If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
19. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
20. If a leper gives you the finger, should you give it back?
21. Tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. Almost kept dying.
22. Rap is to music as Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
23. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
24. Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

If any of this offends you, consider the purchase of some thicker skin....
 
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What is the difference between an Islamic Wedding and a terrorist meeting?

"Hell, I don't know. I just fly the drone."
 

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.





What did she think I had an elephant?





So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.





I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)




Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.









 
Re: New member Ed Spradlin

My name is Ed Spradlin. We purchased a 2008 Sea Ray 260 in April. I look forward to communicating with fellow Sea Ray owners.

Gotta tell ya, Ed...that's not a very funny joke.

Hello Ed. Interesting place for a first post. Got any jokes?

Not trying to scare Ed away. WELCOME!

Tell us about your boat(s) and the area in which you live. (And if you can, make it into a joke.)

Apparently you did scare him away with your bullying. LOL He never made another post.

MM
 
Re: New member Ed Spradlin

A Bayliner is like a hooker. It looks good, and you think you might want it. But you know you shouldn't, and if you do, you will most likely have something you don't want after you get home.
 
Re: New member Ed Spradlin

Buy versus Lease - an Analysis

Buy

The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows: After 5 years of marriage,hepaid her $49 million. Assuming he shared sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended upcosting him $26,849 per occurrence.

Lease
On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

Had McCartney 'employed' Kristen, he would have paid $7.3 million, for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings)
Additional leasing value-added benefits include: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching or complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves after her performance and comes back when asked. All at one-seventh the cost, and without legal fees or unflattering media exposure.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
 
I went to my doctor about these headaches I've been getting. He told me that whenever he gets one, his wife gives him a bj and told me I should try it. Went back to him yesterday and he asked me if it worked. I told him yes and by the way you have a lovely home.:huh:
 
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were sitting in their Gyn's office and the redhead says she heard that if the man was on top it would be a baby boy. If the woman was on top it would be a girl.
The brunette then noticed the blonde giggling and asked her what was so funny. The blonde replied "I'm gonna have puppies!"
 
MERLOT STORY




[FONT=&quot] A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

[FONT=&quot]
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

[FONT=&quot]
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.....’[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]







[FONT=&quot]It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
I have a Ferrari, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back....’
[/FONT]

















[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
What do eating candy and listening to good music have in common?

The first thing you do is throw away the (w)rapper.
 
HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS
I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her, "What special day was it in Canada yesterday?".
Without skipping a beat she said, "It was Prime Minister’s Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her, "What does Prime Minister’s Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Trudeau.
She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister's Mansion, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
 
Looking forward to Retardment

This is from a teacher who asked her third grade pupils to write about
how they spent their spring break holiday. One child wrote:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't
know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got
it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too,
but
they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know
how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every
night: 'Early Birds'.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out.
So, the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and
call
it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
people
out so they can visit their grandchildren.
 
Subject: Halloween Humor





A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.' That is when Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
An Exceptionally Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that!
With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
A guy is telling a friend that he’s had it with his sex life. He’s looking for something a bit more unconventional.

The friend reluctantly tells him about a place where for the right fee he can have a totally new and very unique experience when ever he wants.

So the guy goes to the address on a card and the receptionist gives him a room key in exchange for $1000. What his buddy neglected to tell him was that each experience is a surprise for the client.

Upon entering the room, he sees a huge chicken wearing fishnets and garters. He’s not only paid up, but all horned up from the anticipation, so he goes for broke.

An hour or so later he’s spent, the chicken is half dead in the corner and there are feathers all over the room. Despite the weirdness of it all he had a blast and decides to come back.

The next time the receptionist gives him another key, takes his money and off he goes.

This time something isn’t right. No women, not even a chicken, just a half dozen guys leaning on a railing and looking through a hole in the floor down into the room below.

He sidles up, looks down and sees a horribly ugly woman getting positively destroyed by a donkey.

He nudges the guy next to him and says: “Well, this isn’t what I was expecting”.

The guy says: “You never know Man. Last week there was a guy f***ing a chicken”.
 

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