Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Two hunters from Texas are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
An avid fisherman and a game warden were best friends... one day they decided to go fishing together. The fisherman takes out a stick of dynamite and proclaims "This is the best way to fish!". The game warden says "You can't do that! I'll have to issue you a ticket and a fine!".

The fisherman lights the stick of dynamite and throws it into the lap of the game warden and says "Now, are we going to talk or fish?".
 
At an Irish wedding .


At the reception the photographer yelled,
"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was almost crushed to death.
 
Sheriff's Office
Hello is this the Sheriff's Office

"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's
hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the winter?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
 
What I know about religion.

Protestants don't recognize the pope.
jews don't recognize Jesus.
And baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.
 
Three golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You takelaxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."
 
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...
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But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
(TOTALLY KIDDING HERE!)
 
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:"Talking Dog For Sale."He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Brittany Spaniel sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
 
A young Irishman goes out to the local pub to have a drink one evening. Just as he's started on his first pint, and older man approaches him. The older man claps the young man on the shoulder and declares in a loud voice, "I f***** your mother last night, and she sure was fine!"

The barkeeper and the nearby patrons draw back in expectation that this brawny young man will defend his mother's honor, but he merely grasps the older man by the shoulders, turns him around and gives him a gentle push back the way he came.

After about 20 minutes, the older man returns and the scenario repeats itself. The other patrons of the bar are looking at the young man quizzically, as if trying to figure out if he was gay, a sissy or something else.

Some more time goes by and the older man again comes over, stating at the top of lungs, "I p***** your mother last night and made her squeal. Gonna do it again tonight!"

The young man's face becomes set in a grim expression, and the onlooker expect that he has finally worked himself up to behave like a man.

He puts down his drink, stands up and strides firmly over to the older man. He looks older man dead in the eye and, "Dad, go home, your drunk."
 
Teacher with no sense of humor


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right
because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
 
Three pregnant female friends, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde, were having lunch one day and they started discussing what they thought the gender of their child would be.

The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because when my child was conceived, I was on top. That means the sperm had to be aggressive and work hard to impregnate me. Traits that a man has."

The red head says, "Well I'm going to have a girl then because when my child was conceived, I was on my back. The sperm didn't have to work as hard, and it didn't have to be as aggressive. That's what females are like."

They both look over at their blonde friend and she's crying he eyes out. They ask her what's wrong. The blonde says, "I'm going to have puppies."
 
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?" Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?" Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?" Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
 
A guy asked for a black coffee. The kid behind the counter said "We don't have black coffee." I asked him what kind of coffee they have and he said "Regular and decaf".

This is probably true...
 
A young orthodox Jewish couple are living in NYC. It's summer and very hot in their upstairs flat. To cool off, the wife decides to take a shower and when she gets out she decides to air dry. She sits on the toilet seat and because her skin is slippery, she instantly jackknifes into the bowl.

She yells for her husband for help. He tries pulling on an arm, then on a leg, but he just can't budge her. "We're going to have to call a plumber," he says. "Oh no," she says, "I'll be so embarrassed!"

He says, "Don't worry. When he comes, just fold your arms over your chest." He takes the yarmulke off his head and lays it in her lap. "You'll be fine," he assures her.

The plumber comes. He pulls on an arm, then a leg, then scratches his head. He pulls on the other leg, then scratches his chin and shakes his head.

"Well?" the husband asks, "Can you get her out?"
"Oh, I can get the lady out, OK," says the plumber, "but that rabbi is a goner."
 
A man checks into a hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
 
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