Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
"Baby, baby, baby ooh!"
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh thank goodness.
 
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady, upon whom I was performing this exam, suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?" She replied, with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
 
An old lady was arrested for stealing a can of peaches. In court the judge asked her why she had stole the can of peaches. She said because I was hungry.

The judge thought for a moment and then asked how many peaches were in the can. She answered him and said four. He said since you stole four peaches you will serve four days in jail.

As soon as that was said the old womans husband stands up in the back of the room and says."she also stole a can of peas."
 
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
 
What did the electrician say to the foxy brunette in the bar?

Hey baby, how bout we go back to your place and we'll jiggle my plug in your socket and see if sparks fly.
 
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a bird flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the bird.

As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the bird lying in the road.

Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, turns around, picks up the bird and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma.

When the bird wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Crap, I must have killed that biker".
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.


He turns and asks,

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa .

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th anniversary of
the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I
was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
 
A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place
 
There are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went like this:
The reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
The reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
 
An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
 
A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left
the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from
the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at
bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said
the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when
you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's
signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one
day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked
the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then
she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked
the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"
 
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST









I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It
was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me
that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Lesbians have been reporting to their doctors that they get depressed and can't seem to get over it.

At a medical convention the docs passed that info onto a big drug company. The company spent a year or more and came up with a drug specifically designed to cure depression in lesbians.

They named it Tridixagin.
 
Bill Clinton wasn't really guilt of committing a sexual act in the oval office with Monica. He had a good excuse.....

He was mistaken and thought it was the ORAL office.
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips This is rather awkward.

To say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy
Her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong Sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
 
Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 45 ACP in the glove box. And, I've got a .380 Ruger in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a darn thing..."
 
Christmas Carols for the disturbed


1. Schizophrenia--- Do I Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder--- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid--- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder--- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells......
 

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