Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
 
Best Irish Joke Ever?
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending then rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the

night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,

"I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
A cop pulls a woman over for speeding. He runs her plate, license #, etc. and walks back up to her car to give her the ticket. She complains about it and says "You guys NEVER give tickets to the HOT looking women!" The cop replies "Thats true maam, sign here please!"
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.'
An ambulance just drove by!'' Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously
called out, 'how do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
 
MonacoMike said:
Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
• The Army will put guards around the place.
• The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
• The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
• The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.
Click to expand...
Ahhh, you've been reading the book about General James Mattis, haven't you!
 
A man goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the
Man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
Exploration and
Medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man
And says,
What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and
John Deere
Tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks
He will
Try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you
Have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another
Great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
 
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
 
A zoo's male gorilla dies and leaves his female mate behind. The female stops eating and her health steadily declines. The zookeeper realizes he needs to get her a mate but can't afford another gorilla.

He approaches the zoo's janitor from Kentucky. "Would you put this gorilla suit on and have sex with the female gorilla for $500."

The janitor thinks about it and says, "I've got three conditions."

The zookeeper very happily says, "Absolutely, name them."

The janitor looks at him and says,


"Number 1 - Nobody can be here when it happens."

The zookeeper agrees quickly.

"Number 2 - You can never tell anyone."

The zookeeper nods his head in agreement.

"Number 3 - I'm probably gonna need at least 3 days to get $500."
 
It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
 
A doc told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "what the heck, I'll try it."

He spent all day thinking where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, the restroom was too open & an alley was too unsafe. Finally he realized his solution.

On his way home he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out & crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants & started to masturbate, he closed his eyes & thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.

"The cop says, "Well you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!
 
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.


Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.


Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Princeton in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.


Clare relates that she graduated from Harward Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live on Long Island and have a second home in Florida .


Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical birdpark in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.


Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.


Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in Bellevue.. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando.


Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
 
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? If I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"





The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
 
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she explained. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear and answered the call. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman began feeling very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The other women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.. "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!"
 
Deep in the back woods of Indiana, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father -to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
Jim has a total crush on Staci. Staci is the office intern and is a total knockout, but has had a steady boyfriend for years.

After 4 months of staring at Staci in all her beauty, Jim finally tells her how he feels. Ofcourse she denies him, but he tried to push his luck.

"Tell you what, how about a quicky and I'll just leave you alone from now on. I'll even give you $100 dollars if that makes it easier. I'll just throw the money on the ground, and I'll be "done" before your done picking it up"

She replies with "let me call my BOYFRIEND and see what he thinks"

Staci calls her boyfiend and he tells her to" ask for $200, and pick it up before he gets a chance to unzip his fly"

Boyfriend calls back after two and a half hours to see what happened and why it was raking so long for her to call him back. Staci answers the phone, panting heavily and with a tone of satisfaction in her voice. Boyfriend asks what took so long.

Her response......."Do you know how many dimes it takes to make $200?!?!"
 
Wife said make me scream with one finger....I poked her in the eye.
 
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