Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says
the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’
Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my gosh, this is great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" She yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get out!"
 
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to bememorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up
the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..........

One button at a time.........

No one moves.................

He removes his shirt...............

Muscles ripple across his chest... ......


She gasps....................

He whispers..................


'Iron this..then get me a beer.'
 
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmmm...let me see "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure", said BUBBA. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
A man got pulled over for swerving. The female officer asked "have you been drinking?" The man replied "yes." The officer placed him under arrest and read him his rights. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies in a drunken stooper "booooobs, vaaagiiiiiina."
 
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:


'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!
 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.


Holy crap! My dog is a Democrat!
 
After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy,

but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly 'beach' he's runnin' around with!!'
 
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself.”
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"" Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard,takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

" Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
 
A man walks up to the same woman in the office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and goes to personnel.

She tells them what the co-worker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The personnel manager is puzzled by this and asks "Whats so sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies "its Keith, the midget".
 
A duck walks into a bar, he asks the baertender do you have any grapes? The bartender replies no. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day and again askes for grapes. The bartender says no if you ask again ill nail your feet to the ground. So the duck leaves, comes back the next day and asks if they have any nails, the bartender replies no. The duck then says good, do you have any grapes?
 
When a guy checked into a motel, He said to the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
 
icon12.png
Fred has been around a while but still (very funny)
JUST FRED



A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name..

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
 
Nothings worse after sex than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your tool.......Especially when you weren't wearing one.
 
Grandma waiting at the meat case, scanning the turkeys, for the holidays. When her number is called she voices her concern."My good man, we have a very large family, all you have displayed are medium sized birds. Do your turkeys get any bigger?"

Butcher: No mam, with respect to you, THEY ARE DEAD!
 
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