Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.

The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
 
Two boys go into a forest and walk around. Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away. The other chases after him. The boy asked "Why did u run away?" The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."
 
Monica is at the dentist. Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working.

Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. Ignoring it four times.

The dentist finally answers the phone pissed: What’s up? What’s up?, - some man asks.

Dentist: Who are you? I’m Monica’s husband

Dentist: Listen, man, I’m about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!
 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
 
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Vote:
 
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
 
A MALE FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" the Princess said "NO' and the Prince lived happily ever after, riding motorcycles, dating thin, long legged, big breasted women half his age and cheerleaders and hunting and fishing and racing cars and going to naked bars and drinking whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never paid child support or alimony and never lost his house and kept his guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end!
 
Man's Best Friend
A real woman is a man's best friend.* She will never stand him up or let him down.* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought possible, to live without fear and to forget regret.* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.*

She will make sure he always feel as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

...no wait... sorry, I was thinking of alcohol.* It's alcohol that does all that crap.* Never mind...
 
Two Jews sitting in a Mexican restaurant and one says to the other, I wonder if there are any Mexican Jews? The first guy says why dont we ask the Mexican waiter, so they do, the waiter says ill go check. He comes back and says no Senors, no Mexican Jews, The guys are flabbergasted, Our people are everywhere, are you sure there are no Mexican Jews? The waiter says Ill go ask the manager. The waiter comes back and says, no Senors, we have only orange Jews, pineapple Jews and grape Jews
 
An elderly man walks*into a confessional. The following conversation*ensues:

Man: 'I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Priest: Ya great! and?

Man: Yesterday, I took two college girls for a ride in my boat. We stopped at the little island about 15 miles from here, where I had sex with each of them.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your*sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are*you?'

Man: 'I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish.

Priest: 'Why did you come in here to tell me?'*

Man: 'I'm 72 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
 
The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load*a sack full of cash. On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask, revealing his face.

The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, now terrified, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, " Anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of terrified silence.

Then, one old farmer blurted out, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya..."
 
A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the US government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already know, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."
 
The ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
 
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
''NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued,'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!!"

It's a curious race, the Irish.
 
Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.
 
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about it baby?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
 
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