Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be,

Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... "

God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
 
I was driving along the highway in my truck yesterday when a motorbike pulled up along side me. The guy on the bike looked at me, pulled a wheelie and then did a handstand on the bike. Then he tapped on my window and said, "You've haven't got a spare cigarette have you?"

I said, "A cigarette? You're going to kill yourself!"

He said, "No I won't, I only smoke 10 a day."
 
This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from England."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
 
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods; they spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
 
Earl says to the Bubba, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"

Bubba replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Earl says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Bubba smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one too."

Three weeks later, Bubba asks his friend Earl, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalogue?"

Earl replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
 
Two redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
 
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell
any bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

“What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louie just nodded.

“That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks — o-o-o-or — wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”
 
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL-500.”
Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert DeNilo

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

"Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

"Nurse!!! Just say we're very busy..."
"It Doesn't help our reputation to tell everyone 'It's a madhouse.'"

"Doctor, you have to help me, I think i'm Pavlov's dog"
"hmmm, that rings a bell"

"It doesn't say what you are here for. Why don't you start at the beginning."
"Sure. In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains"
"Pull yourself together, man."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell."
"Well, just go home and if you feel the need, give me a ring."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a wheelbarrow."
"Stop letting people push you around."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"I'll deal with you later."
 
A cannibal walks up and sees his friend having sex with an explorer he just killed.
The first cannibal asks, "Why are you having sex with him. Aren't you going to cook him?"
2nd one says, "Yeah, but I promised the wife a bone-in rump roast tonight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What happened when the cannibal got religion?

He only ate Catholics on Fridays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a Jehovah's Witness' favorite band?

The Doors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hypocrisy: When a Jehovah's Witness doesn't celebrate Halloween because they don't like random people knocking on their doors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who were the first two black women?

Aunt Jemima and Mother F*cker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: "If you have $5 and Billy takes $3, how much do you have left?"

Johnny: "Not enough for fucking lunch and Billy ain't gonna have no teeth left."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a confession. I masturbate in the shower.

I like to come clean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee?!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Which makes sense, because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"

She explained, “The Egg Timer is Broken."
 
Ecumenical Golf

The Pope and Golf...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu
wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never
held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?", he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s
a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then
ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win
the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and
agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican
to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news
and some bad news, your Holiness,"said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,”
said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though
I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,
this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have
been inspired from above. My drives were long and true,
my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.
***
 
Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
 
A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.

"No darling, we can't do it here, what if the kid wakes up?"

"You are right, lets go to the beach."

They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them.

"Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public."

"You are right", said the husband, "but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

"Don't worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this woman making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it."
 
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