Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em
- Thread starter The Bill Collector
- Start date
Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
I was waiting at an ATM behind an elderly woman. She was obviously having trouble, as the machine kept beeping and rejecting her card. After a couple of minutes of this she turned to me, exasperated.
"Young man, I'm sorry for the delay, and I hate to ask, but could you please help me? I need to check my balance."
So I pushed her down.
"Young man, I'm sorry for the delay, and I hate to ask, but could you please help me? I need to check my balance."
So I pushed her down.
Jaybeaux
Well-Known Member
- Jan 3, 2016
- 2,045
- Boat Info
- 2006 Sea Ray 48
Naught On Call
- Engines
- Cummins QSC-540s with V-Drives
11 KW Onan Genset
A cowboy asked me if I could round up 18 cows. I said sure, that's 20 cows.
- Apr 26, 2009
- 5,807
- Boat Info
- '97 330 Sundancer, Raymarine C80 suite with radar, Mercury 310 Hypalon w/8hp Yammie 2stk
- Engines
- 2X 454 carbs w/ vDrives
I think this is one of the funniest skits I have seen.
susanandlance
Well-Known Member
Pretty good!!! LOL
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is not the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. he won't go to counseling and I'm affraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If that is not the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
I got a leaflet through the door today that said, "If you are an alcoholic, call this number" so I rang the number...It was the damn liquor store!!!.......
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A beggar stopped me in the street and asked me if I had any spare change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said " it appears that I do"
I thanked him for his interest and walked on.
What a nice man
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with suicide prevention.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
"I'm Neil Kinnock and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
"Remain calm and stay on the line!!..
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For all my Motorcycle Friends....
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
" Well, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A beggar stopped me in the street and asked me if I had any spare change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said " it appears that I do"
I thanked him for his interest and walked on.
What a nice man
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with suicide prevention.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
"I'm Neil Kinnock and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
"Remain calm and stay on the line!!..
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For all my Motorcycle Friends....
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
" Well, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then the taxi driver said, “We have reached your destination”.
The 1st guy gave him money while the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. However, the 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did and asked, “What was that for?”
The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time… you nearly killed us!”
The 1st guy gave him money while the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. However, the 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did and asked, “What was that for?”
The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time… you nearly killed us!”
RBB
Well-Known Member
- Dec 18, 2019
- 2,077
- Boat Info
- 2004 480MY
2006 44DB
2019 Sea Doo GTX 155
Pelican Kayak
2004 390 MY Sold
- Engines
- Cummins QSM11 680Hp
Cummins QSC 500
Keeping Their Promise
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And the sons promised to do so.
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now in Congress, probably in your district.
--
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And the sons promised to do so.
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now in Congress, probably in your district.
--
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
This happened on a flight getting ready to
depart for New Orleans . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
depart for New Orleans . Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.
“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
- Oct 31, 2009
- 3,455
- Boat Info
- 1992 370 ec
- Engines
- twin cummins 6bta's 300 hp
Rl80 pathfinder radar/chartplotter,SH 2150 matrix vhf w/ais
quicksilver 8
Ok,i give up drinking for a month.
sorry ,my bad
Ok i give up,drinking for a month!
sorry ,my bad
Ok i give up,drinking for a month!
Espos4
Well-Known Member
A widower and a widow attend their 60th class reunion. They have a lovely evening as a long ago spark is rekindled.
At the end of the night the widower asks "Dear lady, will you marry me?"
"Yes, yes I will!" she says enthusiastically.
The next morning the widower wakes up troubled. He can't quite remember if she said "Yes!" or "NO!"
Confused, he decides to call her to confirm what happened and he asks "Last night, did you say yes or no to marrying me?"
She replies "Oh I said yes! And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
JMG, now that is not nice. My 60th reunion is not THAT far away and I can still remember most things. Hmmm, what was I writing about? 
Timeflys
Well-Known Member
- Dec 7, 2013
- 734
- Boat Info
- "Frequent Flyer"
2002 Sundancer 360
- Engines
- Merc Horizon 8.1s
Captn TJ
Active Member
Deleted
Last edited:
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinating.
Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the world "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game
when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”
when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”
