Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

1956olds said:
is there a differance?
Click to expand...
Most likely not - never heard of that... but there might not be a difference.

Now back to the jokes, please! Need as much humor as possible right now!
 
A truck driver from Wisconsin is driving across Nevada and stops in at a whore house. He walks in and sets down $1000 and says “boy am I homesick give me your ugliest whore and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich” the lady working says “for that kind of money you can have our best girl and a 7 course meal” the truck driver says “didn’t I say I was homesick?”
 
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A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "'Bout whut?"
 
Not sure if quarantine is affecting me? Standing on the porch in Florida a cat strolled by and I swear it said "Hello". Did I just hear that cat talk? A Gecko standing beside looked up at me and said in a English accent " Can you believe that a talking cat" Few that made me feel better!
 
An elderly couple were sitting in church, and the wife leaned over to her husband and whispered, "I just cut a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispered back, "You need to change the batteries in your hearing aid."
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs humping. He raised his hand and said “teacher what are those dogs doing?” embarrassed the teacher said “one of the dogs has a sore paw and the other one is helping it walk” johnny watched the dogs for a while. shook his head and said “yep the old man was right. try helping someone out and they screw you right in the butt”
 
This is pretty funny. The accent is from Newfoundland. Some of the best and funniest people on the planet.
 
With this corona virus going on i havent decided where to spend easter yet,the bedroom or the living room.
 
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*BREAKING NEWS*

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at parks, beaches and visit each other’s houses.

********
Sh*# heads
Imbeciles
Half wits
Morons
Troglodytes
Ignoramus’
Simpletons
Illiterates
Stupid f'ers
Idiots
D$#%heads

Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding staying at home and social distancing.
 
Online there a quite a few Covid-19 jokes. Some quite funny. Some, disgustingly sexist, or off-color. Be certain to stay away from those!
 
So the PA governor decided today to let certain non-violent criminals out of jail due to the pandemic. Explain to me how this keeps anyone any safer? So you take somebody that has been proven to not be able to follow rules and remove them from a confined restricted place and set them free to a place where we have tighter and more strict rules than we have ever had in our history as a country? Yeah, cause they will follow these rules.
 
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