- Oct 31, 2009
- 3,455
- Boat Info
- 1992 370 ec
- Engines
- twin cummins 6bta's 300 hp
Rl80 pathfinder radar/chartplotter,SH 2150 matrix vhf w/ais
quicksilver 8
I'll have to ask the governor.
Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em
- Thread starter The Bill Collector
- Start date
Gofirstclass
Well-Known Member
The quarantine has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.
Two women were in south Florida and arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town they were in.
"It's Kiss- SIMM-ee" said the first.
"No, It's KISS-simm-ee" insisted the other.
They argued back and forth for a while, and then stopped for lunch. In the restaurant, they waved over a man passing by their table and asked, "Could you please tell us how to pronounce where we are?"
He bent down and said very slowly,
"B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G".
"It's Kiss- SIMM-ee" said the first.
"No, It's KISS-simm-ee" insisted the other.
They argued back and forth for a while, and then stopped for lunch. In the restaurant, they waved over a man passing by their table and asked, "Could you please tell us how to pronounce where we are?"
He bent down and said very slowly,
"B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G".
Carpediem44DB
Well-Known Member
- Aug 18, 2015
- 3,230
- Boat Info
- 2000 Carver 506
2006 44 DB Sedan Bridge
- Engines
- Volvo TAMD 74 P
So yesterday after my wife found a can of corn in the fridge and a ruined package of cream cheese in the pantry she exclaimed " you know, you should be hiding your own Easter eggs this year" I said, "I may just do that!" This morning I got up, went out side to hunt my eggs and couldn't find one damn egg! I forgot to hide them.
Happy Easter Ya'll
Happy Easter Ya'll
Shenanigans77
Well-Known Member
My fellow Michiganders will appreciate this......
TimW
Well-Known Member
- Jul 2, 2018
- 1,207
- Boat Info
- 2003 260 Sundancer
Tri-axle venture trailer
F250 diesel truck
- Engines
- 350 MAG MPI
Get it yes
Appreciate it NO
(This one's pretty cruel but it cracked me up.)
My son asked me, "Dad, what's dark humor?"
I said "See that man over there that's missing both hands? Ask him to clap."
He said, "Dad, you know I'm blind."
I said, "Exactly!"
My son asked me, "Dad, what's dark humor?"
I said "See that man over there that's missing both hands? Ask him to clap."
He said, "Dad, you know I'm blind."
I said, "Exactly!"
Maggieiscrazy
Well-Known Member
A blind man goes to the lumber mill looking for a job. He says he has a keen sense of smell. He can tell what kind of wood it is and where it came from. So the foreman brings a board over the blind man sniffs it and says that’s white oak from northern Wisconsin. Pretty good says the foreman. So he brings another board over. The blind man sniffs it and says that’s yellow pine from southern Minnesota. Pretty good says the foreman. So the foreman goes and gets the secretary. The blind man sniffs her and says turn it over. The blind man sniffs the other side and says. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat.
Carpediem44DB
Well-Known Member
- Aug 18, 2015
- 3,230
- Boat Info
- 2000 Carver 506
2006 44 DB Sedan Bridge
- Engines
- Volvo TAMD 74 P
Do this math trick and see if it doesn’t solve and correspond to your favorite movie. It really works!
I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it IS my very favorite movie...EVER!
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Nancy Pelosi Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt fire
... Now, isn't that something?
I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it IS my very favorite movie...EVER!
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Nancy Pelosi Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt fire
... Now, isn't that something?
THINGS THAT SOUTHERN BOYS WILL NEVER SAY
30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. "Youse Guys"
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Joe Biden Campaign.
30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. "Youse Guys"
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Joe Biden Campaign.
A moth shows up at a podiatrist's office. Once he is seated in the examination room the podiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?
"Doc, I don't know where to start!" the moth says. "I lost my job, and now I'm drunk all the time. I just found out my wife is having an affair, and both of my kids were busted for selling drugs. I swear, I'm thinking seriously about killing myself!"
"Well, I'm sorry to hear about that" the podiatrist says. "It sure sounds like you're having a rough time right now. But, why did you come here? Shouldn't you be talking to a psychiatrist?"
The moth replies, "Well, your light was on."
"Doc, I don't know where to start!" the moth says. "I lost my job, and now I'm drunk all the time. I just found out my wife is having an affair, and both of my kids were busted for selling drugs. I swear, I'm thinking seriously about killing myself!"
"Well, I'm sorry to hear about that" the podiatrist says. "It sure sounds like you're having a rough time right now. But, why did you come here? Shouldn't you be talking to a psychiatrist?"
The moth replies, "Well, your light was on."
bbwhitejr
Well-Known Member
Carpediem44DB
Well-Known Member
- Aug 18, 2015
- 3,230
- Boat Info
- 2000 Carver 506
2006 44 DB Sedan Bridge
- Engines
- Volvo TAMD 74 P
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man
(fellow air passengers, in this case)
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately,
we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,
will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
(fellow air passengers, in this case)
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately,
we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,
will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."