Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says, "I want to be a movie star. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you must change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER ... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You said I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
 
45 cal pistol.jpg
 
A blonde highway patrolman pulls over a blonde in a convertible. The blonde cop comes to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde says ..well I'm not sure I have one of those. What's it look like? The blond cop answers and says its square shaped and has your picture on it. The blonde searches her purse and finds something and looks at it and says ..ohhh this must be it and hands it to the blond cop. The blonde cop looks at it and says..oh wow.. your a highway patrolman too!!
 
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Pearl River, LA. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Boudreaux said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Thibodeaux said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Boudreaux & Thibodeaux at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Thibodeaux said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Boudreaux said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
 
A man had lived in Key West his entire life. Now elderly, he fell ill and, on his deathbed, called his wife, Suzie, his three children, Mark, Brad and Barbara, and his lawyer to his room.
"Suzie, my loving wife, I am leaving you the condos on the Gulf side of Key West. Mark, I am leaving you the apartments on the Straits side of the Key. Brad, you get the business offices downtown, and Barbara, to you I am leaving the properties in the retail district."
After this pronouncement, he closed his eyes and expired.
After an appropriate period of silence, they all filed out of the bedroom. Outside, the lawyer looked at Suzie and said, "I had no idea he was such a wealthy man. How did he acquire all of these holdings without me knowing about it?"
Suzie replied, "He didn't. The asshole had a paper route."
 
Just saw the Seal Deterrent thread and it reminded me of this one.

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 
My wife asked me, "Honey, what feature do you like best about me? Is it my beautiful face or my sexy body?"
I looked her up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
 
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