Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the drivers window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's happening?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Nancy Pelosi. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "About a gallon."
 
y wife asked me, "Honey, what feature do you like best about me? Is it my beautiful face or my sexy body?"
I looked her up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"


I bet he never heard the shot!
 
A very useful guide to applications of common tools – you may want to review frequently:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, “Ontario”.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
Two Southern Illinois farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:.........Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer... "
 
The Little Rascals were in school. The teacher says, "Class, today we will be having a vocabulary test. I will give you a word, and you must use it correctly in a sentence. Spanky, you are first. Your word is "welfare"".

Spanky stands and says, "Buckwheat's family is so poor, they are on welfare"

The class laughs at this, while Buckwheat hangs his head in embarrassment.

The teacher says, "Spanky, that was cruel, but that is correct. Buckwheat, it's your turn. Your word is "dictate"".

Buckwheat stands and glares at Spanky. He says, "''Ey, Panky. You like how my dictate?"
 
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It is also funny how something’s just go away
 
Two beggars sat side by side on a street in Rome . One had a cross in front of him; the other one held the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by and stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the cross but none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the priest went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said,”My poor fellow, don't you understand?

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite”.

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
 
Three men were captured by a tribe of man-hating Amazon women. The princess of the tribe decreed that the men would have their penises removed according to their profession.

The first man said, "I'm a lumberjack".
So the princess said "Your penis will be chopped off".

The second man said, "I'm a butcher".
The princess said "Your penis will be sliced off".

The third man burst into laughter.
"What's so funny?" said the princess.

The man said, "I work for Hoover Vacuums!"
 
A retired Coast Guard Auxiliary Officer puts on his uniform and heads to the docks once more, for old times sake.

Enroute he engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He is going at it as well as he can for giy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "how am I doing??"

The prostitute replies, "Well, old fella, you're doing about three knots...."

"Three knots" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back..."
 
So I woke up this morning to find my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming... so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
 
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May actually be a true story but hilarious non the less!

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered
one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington, AND the entire group that call themselves politicians"

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an
arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note:
" Who did I leave out ?"
 

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