Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em


Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.
 
A woman takes her Schnauzer to the Veterinarian because he keeps scratching at his ears. The Vet says it's because of tiny hairs in the dogs ears and suggested going to the pharmacy to get some hair removal cream to put in the dogs ear. The woman leaves the Vet and drives to the Pharmacy. As the woman stands in the isle reading the warnings on the bottle of hair removal the Pharmacist approaches and says;

Pharm: If that is for your legs apply gently and wear long pants for 2 days so you don't get a burn or rash on your legs.

Woman: It's not for my legs.

Pharm: If it's for your under arms, apply gently, dab dry with a towel and don't use deodorant for 2 days so you don't get a burn or a rash in your under arms.

Woman: It's not for my under arms.

Pharm: Well, if it's for your upper lip, apply a light amount, dab dry, avoid direct sun and no make up for 2 days so you don't get a burn or rash on your lip.

Woman: It's not for my lips.... It's for my Schnauzer!!

Pharm: Well, in that case apply gently and don't ride a bike for 2 days so you don't get a burn or rash on your Schnauzer.
 
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One nice thing about that Two Days Later cartoon is with the masks on you can't tell if the person is enjoying it and smiling!:cool:

I wonder if, for the right person, you could offer to loan them your finger? :p
 
The biggest joke in America is Biden and Harris
One wont live out his term or lose his mine before his term and a second later Harris is President. If Biden dies you know the Democrats had a hand in it
How long will this civil war last.
Vote the correct way for America
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when Bubba says “Thinking about divorcing the wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says,

“You better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”
 
Best Little Johnny Joke Ever! don't you love Little Johnny?


Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi


Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .

"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room
 
I walked into a bar and told the bartender, "I'll take a Corona and two Hurricanes ".

He said, "That'll be $20.20".
 
Priorities...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went fishing yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of vehicle
Husband:
She went in my boat
Sergeant:
What kind of boat was it?
Husband:
It's a 2003 champion 203 elite with a 2017 mercury proxs 250 with 2 8ft powerpole red blades .has custom led deck lights, new seats and carpet. Sonic hub radio system hooked to a lowrance hds 12 gen 2 unit and a hds 10 gen 1 on the bow. Has a hydrowave and a 10" atlas hydraulic jackplate with dual blinker trim control. Has a black keel guard with a freshly painted trailer and custom black wheels. Its a dual console with lighted live wells and a new minnkota fortrex 112 trolling motor with a 52 inch shaft.
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your boat
 
SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh i t in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."


Carpe Diem
 

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