Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[CV-23]

Posted this in the Holding tank but should be ok here!


$50 Lesson.

I ask my friends little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said President of the United States.....her parents beamed with pride.

So I ask her...If you were President of the US, what would be the first thing you would want to do?

She replied....I would give food and housing to all the homeless people.

Wow....what a worthy goal I said to her. But you don't have to wait till you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep the driveway and I'll pay you $50. When you're finished, I can take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 to use towards food and a new house.

She thought it over for a few seconds and then looked me straight in the eye and said....Why doesn't this homeless guy come over and do all the work and you can pay him the $50?

I said, Welcome to the Republican Party! Her parents are still not talking to me.

[moparlvr4406]

This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from Typing the wrong email address!!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 4th, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

[Daddubo]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:

Two guys were discussingpopular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up tohis father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause Istill have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I havereviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I'vedecided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'lltry to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a womanwho had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'Idon't like the looks of your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really goodwith the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to theWizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that wereused to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls DeltaAirlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from SanFrancisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectiveswere investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering fromsurgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor usedin surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping forvacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It hadbeen at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying abathing suit, so I sought my husband'sadvice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside servicejust barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by atremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in thedistance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Gofirstclass]

One sunny day in the latter part of January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where He'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would Like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go In and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

[Lucky's]

One sunny day in the latter part of January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where He'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would Like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go In and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

I LOVE this one and stole it for a repost. Thanks for the laugh!!!


Shaun
Sent from my iPhone

[Daddubo]

Now this is funny

[RobnBern]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'


'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh##?

[MonacoMike]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'


'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh##?

That is a great joke. I think I heard it once before...

09-20-2010 12:58 PM #761

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a dam? '

MM

[RobnBern]

OOPs!!! My sister-in-law sent it to me today.....but any good joke worth hearing is worth hearing twice!!! hahah

[MonacoMike]

OOPs!!! My sister-in-law sent it to me today.....but any good joke worth hearing is worth hearing twice!!! hahah

That is far from the first repost of a joke. This is one of the best collections of jokes I know of.

MM