Aging parents

Both my folks are in their 90's and my sister and I moved them into assisted living last year. My dad is just about blind (macular degeration in one eye and cataract removal in the other) and my mom has dimentia. Neither have fully adjusted to their new place. They don't participate in any of the scheduled activities - my dad is interested in this but my mom says "no way". If dad goes, mom accuses him of having affairs with the other women in the facility, so they just sit in their room and only leave for meal times. Luckily they are close by but it seems there is a challenge or two every week!
I'd visit my Aunt in assisted living at least once a week. There were a few very bold and flirty old ladies I met, I'm sure if the old coots there could get it up they were getting all they wanted.:D
 
We are caregivers. I made the decision to move from Florida to Michigan 4 years ago as my MIL couldn't handle being in Florida. We were willing to turn into snow birds for her but she was miserable down there. We weren't about to dump her in a home as she was able to function with help. She has dementia. As long as she can get around with help we're going to care for her. Was this in our retirement plans? Nope. We haven't taken a vacation/traveled since we started caring for her. Now, just over 5 years now. If she goes into memory care assisted living, she'll blow through her savings in about 3 years or so. Then what? I don't want nurses in and out of my house. I don't trust them. My dog wouldnt be happy. Why do I even have a 390DA? Good question. All it is to us is a day boat.
All of my wife's brothers and sisters are still working. They don't have the ability to "take over". There are times that I get frustrated, especially in the winter. I was never moving back to Michigan. Never say never.
Anyway, that's how we are handling a 92 yo "mom". She's sitting 10 ft from me right now staring at a magazine. Not really comprehending anything. We tell her what to do. Doesn't know where her bedroom and bathroom are. Wife has to get clothes out daily otherwise she would never put on clean things. We wake her up and get her aimed at the shower and then she's good to shower and get dressed. Luckily she stays happy most of the time. She still says she needs to go home because she has bills to pay and make sure the furnace is working. Then cries when she's told it was sold almost 4 years ago now.
That's my aging parent story. My mom and dad both died over 30 years ago.
My Aunt liked assisted living, not having the chores/worries of a home, she moved in when she was 93, died last November at 99. She had a button to push when she wanted something, they had to respond in 2 minutes, it's how she summoned her slaves. She got a kick out of that button. I'll never forget when she first moved in, I was visiting and she said 'watch this', she pushed the button, a young gal came and my Aunt said 'I'd like a cup of tea' with a grin.

I don't know how our prices would compare to other parts of the country but she was paying over 92K the last couple years. The place was nice/clean but nothing fancy, they ran a strict tight ship during Covid, not one resident got sick.
 
My dad is 84. Still gets around, but every year I can see him degrade. In 2011 they lost everything to the floods. Rebuilt over 2 years. Then just as they moved back in my mom had a major stroke. He was my moms caretaker for 10 years up till 2 years ago when she passed. He is one of the toughest bastards I have ever known. Saying that in a nice way. He was in a car accident about 4 years ago, not his fault. Broke 7 ribs punctured lung . Left knee was the size of a basketball. Head trauma. He was out of the hospital within a week to take care of my mom even though we had it handled. About a year and a half ago he went 8' off the deck and shattered both heals. 5 screws later he is walking fairly well considering . What worries me is everything he does now only has to be good enough to last as long as him. His words. " It'll last longer than me. " He was never that way. He was an electrical engineer and a damn good one. He still gets calls from where he worked for consultation. I remember when I was young he would get a house to wire every now and then and put my brother and I to work. I remember running a wire about 50' it had a couple twists in it. I had to pull it back get it untwisted and re ran. He still lives at home along the river. Still has his pontoon boat and a small jet boat. He makes me nervous. But if I tried to take any of that away from him it would kill him. It is one reason I bought this boat. Hoping I can get him up there for days at at time doing some fishing and exercising a few beer lifts. Between My mom and dad the past 14 years have been a handful but I would not trade it. I am glad even the bad times to have my parents as long as I have. My accountant has made the comment about how he lost both of his parents when he was young and in a way it has made things easy for him . But wishes for what I have.
 
My cousin and his wife moved into assisted living 2yrs ago, both in their mid 80's. There wasn't enough room in their assisted living apartment, they couldn't get far enough apart like when they still had their home. They were fighting all the time they said, they ended up renting two apartments at assisted living, they each have enough space and get along fine now.:)
That's funny. If my parents didn't live in a 4,600 sf home I am convinced they would have gotten divorced before my dad died 14 years ago. It also didn't hurt that they were both partially deaf. I have been the primary "parent" for my Mom since then. It started off as just being her "financial advisor" to now really being a parent.
 
My dad is 84. Still gets around, but every year I can see him degrade. In 2011 they lost everything to the floods. Rebuilt over 2 years. Then just as they moved back in my mom had a major stroke. He was my moms caretaker for 10 years up till 2 years ago when she passed. He is one of the toughest bastards I have ever known. Saying that in a nice way. He was in a car accident about 4 years ago, not his fault. Broke 7 ribs punctured lung . Left knee was the size of a basketball. Head trauma. He was out of the hospital within a week to take care of my mom even though we had it handled. About a year and a half ago he went 8' off the deck and shattered both heals. 5 screws later he is walking fairly well considering . What worries me is everything he does now only has to be good enough to last as long as him. His words. " It'll last longer than me. " He was never that way. He was an electrical engineer and a damn good one. He still gets calls from where he worked for consultation. I remember when I was young he would get a house to wire every now and then and put my brother and I to work. I remember running a wire about 50' it had a couple twists in it. I had to pull it back get it untwisted and re ran. He still lives at home along the river. Still has his pontoon boat and a small jet boat. He makes me nervous. But if I tried to take any of that away from him it would kill him. It is one reason I bought this boat. Hoping I can get him up there for days at at time doing some fishing and exercising a few beer lifts. Between My mom and dad the past 14 years have been a handful but I would not trade it. I am glad even the bad times to have my parents as long as I have. My accountant has made the comment about how he lost both of his parents when he was young and in a way it has made things easy for him . But wishes for what I have.
My mom died from a massive heart attack when I was in my 30's. My dad had a stroke a couple of years earlier and after her death, I tried to move him into our house. He didn't want any of that. I tried to have him live in a duplex. I would stop and check on him on my lunch break and after work. That only lasted a year and I decided to get him into assisted living. He died within a year. My mom being healthy til she died was upsetting at the time but looking back a blessing for her and me. My FIL died like my mom. Heart failure while healthy about 20 years ago. MIL lived by herself after his death up until 5ish years ago. That's where we stepped in. I don't want to go like my dad or MIL. I pray to be "heathly" and drop dead one day out of the blue. I opt for assisted suicide over assisted living.... We put our pets down when their quality of life ends. Why not making it legal for humans in the U.S.i already have a "do not resuscitate" clause in my Wellness paperwork with my doctor.
 
I think the challenge/issue with me is I no longer like my mom. We were never close to begin with and I never enjoyed visiting her really. I do like to help her, that's about it. I think it's because of her behaviors and the ugly comments she makes about my siblings (and about me to them), the rest of the family, her judgement of everyone, her criticalness, negativity, constant complaining, etc. That coupled with doing nothing to take care of herself, other them popping RXs. Yes, I feel sad for her and her situation but I think that is it. I also feel sad because my parents divorced when I was 4, my paternal father has had a financially successful, healthy life. And she has not.

@Jus Cruisin interesting you say that as I have thought to myself "maybe it's her time to go" and western medicine is simply keeping her alive. Her quality of life, most self inflicted I think, is almost zero. I know some will judge me for these comments and feeling this way, and maybe you should.
 
I think the challenge/issue with me is I no longer like my mom. We were never close to begin with and I never enjoyed visiting her really. I do like to help her, that's about it. I think it's because of her behaviors and the ugly comments she makes about my siblings (and about me to them), the rest of the family, her judgement of everyone, her criticalness, negativity, constant complaining, etc. That coupled with doing nothing to take care of herself, other them popping RXs. Yes, I feel sad for her and her situation but I think that is it. I also feel sad because my parents divorced when I was 4, my paternal father has had a financially successful, healthy life. And she has not.

@Jus Cruisin interesting you say that as I have thought to myself "maybe it's her time to go" and western medicine is simply keeping he alive. Her quality of live, most self inflicted I think, is almost zero. I know some will judge me for these comments and feeling this way, and maybe you should.
I am not wearing your shoes, so I cannot judge you....
 
Sad story. Some cultures look after aging parents different. My son has a friend whose parents are old and worn out. To look after them he built a side by side duplex. He put his parents in one half and he lives in the other. He is well off and has a care service look after his parents. He is Chinese his comment was that is what we do with our relatives. I have had relatives become what your mother has. When she died it was a mess to clean up both financially and material wise. Moral of story is clean our junk up now and put things in order. And help those that need assistance to get things settled. If you do not it will be very difficult in the end.
 
Sad story. Some cultures look after aging parents different. My son has a friend whose parents are old and worn out. To look after them he built a side by side duplex. He put his parents in one half and he lives in the other. He is well off and has a care service look after his parents. He is Chinese his comment was that is what we do with our relatives. I have had relatives become what your mother has. When she died it was a mess to clean up both financially and material wise. Moral of story is clean our junk up now and put things in order. And help those that need assistance to get things settled. If you do not it will be very difficult in the end.
I am lifelong friends with a family. The mother passed a number of years ago. One brother lives in Key West, the younger sister live in Ashville and her twin brother still lives in Northern Illinois. Their father sold his house in Illinois and bought a condo and moved to Key West near the older son. The father was supposed to meet the older son in KW for dinner. Never showed. The older son in KW never checked on him. The father had fallen in the tub and was stuck there... for 4 days when the younger brother tried to contact him. Of course the son in KW had not followed up and gotten keys to the condo, so the police had to batter the door in. Father was in a diabetic coma and passed shortly afterwards.
The son in Illinois was executor of the estate. All the other two wanted was "their money"... The problem was the father hadn't filed taxes since 2012 and had outstanding debts that took time to clear. Older brother pushed the issue and found a buyer for the condo - probably less than it could have sold for on the open market but he pushed so they could get the money.

Older brother and sister now do not speak to the younger brother as they think he was trying to "rip them off" by stalling...

Oh and as an aside... They are hard core liberal Democrats... the brother works for Monroe County Tax assessor covering the Keys (his wife was a long time school administrator - retired) and the sister is a teacher and the younger brother is gun owning, machine tool sales business owner, Republican...
 
Well the financials is not/will not be an issue, she has none, literally none. I did listen/watch my paternal fathers wife deal with this when her wealthy parents died. There are 5 kids, her 1 of the five. It was ugly. One of their properties was a horse farm which the brother refused to leave. I swore I would never let that happen to me/my family. The good news is it's just me, myself and I and I have beneficiaries.
 
I think the challenge/issue with me is I no longer like my mom. We were never close to begin with and I never enjoyed visiting her really. I do like to help her, that's about it. I think it's because of her behaviors and the ugly comments she makes about my siblings (and about me to them), the rest of the family, her judgement of everyone, her criticalness, negativity, constant complaining, etc. That coupled with doing nothing to take care of herself, other them popping RXs. Yes, I feel sad for her and her situation but I think that is it. I also feel sad because my parents divorced when I was 4, my paternal father has had a financially successful, healthy life. And she has not.

@Jus Cruisin interesting you say that as I have thought to myself "maybe it's her time to go" and western medicine is simply keeping he alive. Her quality of life, most self inflicted I think, is almost zero. I know some will judge me for these comments and feeling this way, and maybe you should.
Mom's are tough. Towards the end, I had issues with mine. It was just difficult to be around her. And she played her sons off each other.

Wife's mom is similar to what is described. Divorced, bitter, and overly critical. Wife and her haven't spoken for years, because, get this -- we wanted to send our kid to a great college prep "Catholic" school (she's Jewish). We ended up sending him to the school in the "hood" at his request, on the condition he maintained As. But the damage was done.

So I get it. At the end of the day, you have to do what you have to do.
 
I am lifelong friends with a family. The mother passed a number of years ago. One brother lives in Key West, the younger sister live in Ashville and her twin brother still lives in Northern Illinois. Their father sold his house in Illinois and bought a condo and moved to Key West near the older son. The father was supposed to meet the older son in KW for dinner. Never showed. The older son in KW never checked on him. The father had fallen in the tub and was stuck there... for 4 days when the younger brother tried to contact him. Of course the son in KW had not followed up and gotten keys to the condo, so the police had to batter the door in. Father was in a diabetic coma and passed shortly afterwards.
The son in Illinois was executor of the estate. All the other two wanted was "their money"... The problem was the father hadn't filed taxes since 2012 and had outstanding debts that took time to clear. Older brother pushed the issue and found a buyer for the condo - probably less than it could have sold for on the open market but he pushed so they could get the money.

Older brother and sister now do not speak to the younger brother as they think he was trying to "rip them off" by stalling...

Oh and as an aside... They are hard core liberal Democrats... the brother works for Monroe County Tax assessor covering the Keys (his wife was a long time school administrator - retired) and the sister is a teacher and the younger brother is gun owning, machine tool sales business owner, Republican...
Readin' the Will sure can bring out the worst in some folks. I was my mothers Executor, everyone was smilin' and happy for a while. But a couple pissed their share away and the bitchin' started. The instigator/worst offender was my brothers ex wife, she came arm outstretched palm up...'there's gotta be more', 'you cheated', 'I'm going to sue you' she said.

I encouraged her to get somebody she could trust, lawyer/accountant, I don't care, we'll sit down and go through everything. I was for whatever it takes to help her follow/understand things. Of course she didn't do that, so her mouth runs to this day I've heard. Myself I haven't spoken to her in 15 years.

The joke of the matter is that my mother was planing to change her Will. She was going to remove my brothers ex wife. My Mom died sooner than expected and that never happened.

As I stood there being cussed and accused of thievery by my brothers ex wife I was tempted to tell her how lucky she was to get anything at all but I didn't, it would have been mean and she probably wouldn't have believed me anyway.

Oh ya' I forgot...I now understand why my brother got rid of her...what a bitch.;)
 
My ex wife parents divorced when she was 13. Her older sister was 23, older brother was 14 I think. The dad said up a college fund/trust for her and her brother. If they did not go to college they got the money, all of it, when they turned 25 I think. Older sister was the executor or whatever it's called. She spent all of it, yes all of it, on a start up toy company, and lost it all. She alleges she did it for her siblings, that she was going to double/triple their fund. That got very very ugly very fast. My ex was the type to say " I don't care...I don't need the money"

Money/Greed is a baaaad thing. Brings out the worst in people/families. That's why I am grateful mom mom has none. My dad has some, and he has put it all in trust funds for college for the grandkids and their kids.
 
I guess I am the lucky one. My parents had burial insurance. At 89, my mom went into a nursing home that was a real shit hole like most are. The only reason was because it was the only one within a reasonable distance for my dad to drive to. He sat by her side for 8 hours every day for 13 months until she passed away. They had been married for 66 years. He lived alone with a care taker coming 3 days a week to help out for about 6 months and I moved him from Eastern NC down here 5 min from my house in an assisted living facility. He did ok there, though he never would get involved in any of the activities, always complained about the food, and longed only to be with my mom. In the 2-years I had him near me we had some fun times and he lived out his live with the dignity and respect he deserved. My brother and I already were aware of the burial insurance and the will splitting everything between he and I. I handled everything within about 2 months of his passing and was very smooth.

I do feel for those of you dealing with difficulties. Life should not be like that, but it certainly can be.

Bennett
 
Diddo on all the comments. Wife n I have my 88 yo Mom at home with us. Dementia being the p[romary issue. We have daycare persons that pick her up M/W/Th/Sat from 11-5. They take her to see her Husband (2nd), CVS, WalMart, out to lunch, etc. At times they will even keep her overnight. Most days are manageable although there are times when we would like to do something and cannot due to no-one to stay with her. We do get a few overnights on the 340, but would certainly do more if not having to tend to moms needs. I feel the pain along with you all. Have many friends that have been through similar and all of the experiences here are just repeats of all of us in that same boat. Best advice, do what works best for you. There is no Wrong way to handle it as long if it is done with Love and Caring and in the best interest of those involoved.
 
Diddo on all the comments. Wife n I have my 88 yo Mom at home with us. Dementia being the p[romary issue. We have daycare persons that pick her up M/W/Th/Sat from 11-5. They take her to see her Husband (2nd), CVS, WalMart, out to lunch, etc. At times they will even keep her overnight. Most days are manageable although there are times when we would like to do something and cannot due to no-one to stay with her. We do get a few overnights on the 340, but would certainly do more if not having to tend to moms needs. I feel the pain along with you all. Have many friends that have been through similar and all of the experiences here are just repeats of all of us in that same boat. Best advice, do what works best for you. There is no Wrong way to handle it as long if it is done with Love and Caring and in the best interest of those involoved.
Thanks Kerry, you've mentioned your situation to me a few times.

They have a bus/shuttle at my mom's facility, she refuses to use it. I wish she would. She uses Instacart for her groceries (complains every time) and pays for priority delivery so "she doesn't have to wait all day". My sister and I take her to dr appts, and she complains about how long they take. My response "what else do you have to do today?". I used to invite her over to my house for the day/night but got tried off al of the no's and excuses. She lives less than 5 mins from me by car, 15 by walk. My brother and his wife have a 2nd home literally on the Chesapeake Bay, with a beach, tons of space, Florida room, etc.. He too stopped because of all of the excuses and Nos. The new excuse is "I can't see" Well, Stevie Wonder could not see either and he did ok. She has some sight and can read with a magnifying glass and the right light. I have tried multiple times to connect her with a local vision impairment (free) place, she refuses and complains.

She is in rehab now, again, for PT once a day. I don't want to visit her as it will just piss me off and I will end up saying something I will regret later. Like "Why are you in PT, again, when all you will do is go back to your apartment and sit" . She will also complain about the staff, the care, the food, her roommate, my sister, etc..
 
My Dad went exactly the way he wanted to, he had an arrhythmia while he was eating breakfast and was dead before he hit the floor in 2009. He was 76 and my mom was 73. She was active, played tennis, had friends in the neighborhood and taught female immigrants (mostly Bosnian) English and worked with them to become citizens. She also had a great golden retriever who demanded long walks and that kept her in shape. After a few years of living alone in a big house with a pool she got tired of the big utility bills and rattling around the house at night. Long story short she has always been a worrier and it had turned to borderline paranoia. The market wasn't right at the time and I explained that to her. Well if she couldn't get her way, then everyone was going to be miserable. That is when the complaining started. It is worth noting here that I was and am the trustee of her trust and I have full powers of attorney. So the complaining was mostly to or about me. My sister lives in Pittsburgh and at this time my brother lived a few miles from my Mom but didn't do shit for her (and his wife is a bitch). But she remained active and was generally happy. She has never had a good memory, so the slips in memory didn't concern me or her doctor. In 2016 the housing market turned so I told her we could start looking. My sister came in and handled that. But this was also when my Mom's behavior started becoming more juvenile. She decided she wanted to build new. There was a new single family home community being built where all the outside maintenance, including the house itself, was all included in the HOA. One problem is that she demanded an upstairs master - she was 80! At one point when we were meeting with the real estate agent at the development to finalize things she literally held her breath and shook her head when I suggested a first floor master again. A disturbing pattern was developing. I did not like the person she was turning into and I had a hard time hiding.

To make matters worse, her golden died the day before we moved her to her new house. We did sell here house for over asking less than a day after it hit the market. She got everything she said she needed to "feel safe" in the new house including an alarm system. Long story short, it wasn't enough. She bitched about the company that built the house, bitched about the house and the neighborhood. What she forgot was she made all of the decisions, everything was as she said she wanted it. At my wife's urging we went there every Sunday night for dinner. I dreaded Sunday nights...As time went on she quit all of her activities and was pretty much a recluse. Her memory was getting worse, she hit here garage almost every time she pulled her car out. And she refused to leave it on the driveway. At this point we were paying her bills for her (not giving her money, my dad left her in good shape, just physically paying bills online). The other thing that was happening is I had to tackle unpleasant topics, like does it make sense to pay $5,000/year for auto insurance when she needs to stop driving. My brother had moved out of town and he was encouraging her to defy me and she was. Everything I said was wrong now. And every time I had to "parent" her she would throw a literal temper tantrum. I had had enough and it was only my wife that kept me from resigning as her trustee and sending her to one of my siblings. In early 2022 she started falling. The worst was she fell down her stairs carrying laundry and had to spend 4 days in the hospital. I had been talking to her about senior living or a one level condo. Condos were hard to come by and always ended in a bidding war. But 5 minutes from my house a hew "resort style" facility was just built. Every time I'd mention it my Mom would yell at me "I'm not going to a damn old folks home. I'm not old!!" Who the hell was this woman? I dreaded seeing her. Then she fell down her garage stairs and that scared her. I went to tour the new facility and it was perfect. New, beautiful, the residents and staff were great. All her meals would be provided (she quit cooking after my Dad died and was living on frozen dinners), lots of activities. After the garage fall she relented and agreed to visit. But it had to have 2 bedrooms and she had to be able to take her stupid dog. They only had one apartment that fit the bill. A month after we visited they called me and told me someone wanted the apartment but I had first right of refusal. She decided to move.

It took a few weeks for her to find her place. But once she did, it was a complete transformation. She was happy all the time. No bitching about petty shit. Best move I ever made. Sure, she drives me crazy sometimes, especially her insistence on buying sh!t from Publisher's Clearing House. She is suffering from dementia, but she's happy. Sometimes we leave her apartment and wonder if we're crazy or she is. And my wife has been a saint. She retired last year. She handles all the doctor appointments and anything my Mom needs. Either way, no one ever told me that after I parented my kids I would have to parent my Mom. It's hard to be ready for that.
 
Well the financials is not/will not be an issue, she has none, literally none. I did listen/watch my paternal fathers wife deal with this when her wealthy parents died. There are 5 kids, her 1 of the five. It was ugly. One of their properties was a horse farm which the brother refused to leave. I swore I would never let that happen to me/my family. The good news is it's just me, myself and I and I have beneficiaries.
Ya need to hang in there brother. The love of a mother is unwavering; I am sure she gave more than she took throughout her life. As difficult as it is in these waning years, take the high road with patience and compassion; she deserves this from the children. We can't comprehend what people go through with these horrible conditions; they need us probably more than ever. When all of this passes, it is you that will sleep well knowing you cared and looked beyond the difficulties laid at your feet.
 
My ex wife parents divorced when she was 13. Her older sister was 23, older brother was 14 I think. The dad said up a college fund/trust for her and her brother. If they did not go to college they got the money, all of it, when they turned 25 I think. Older sister was the executor or whatever it's called. She spent all of it, yes all of it, on a start up toy company, and lost it all. She alleges she did it for her siblings, that she was going to double/triple their fund. That got very very ugly very fast. My ex was the type to say " I don't care...I don't need the money"

Money/Greed is a baaaad thing. Brings out the worst in people/families. That's why I am grateful mom mom has none. My dad has some, and he has put it all in trust funds for college for the grandkids and their kids.
Yes, money and family don't mix. I am 100% sure my brother will sue me when he finds out there is no money for him. My Mom's trust was written so that any "borrowing, gift or transfer of property" after the date of the trust are netted out from any funds due to the beneficiary after my Mom's death. Unfortunately, my siblings got to my Dad's investment statements before I did. My BIL had been out of work for 6 years when my Dad died. They couldn't afford their dream house any longer, blew through all their IRA and 401K funds, savings, everything. They netted $0 out of the sale of the house, so they asked my Mom to buy them one. She couldn't say No. I was thinking loan, but not so much. Then my brother dipped in for a few hundred thousand so he could afford to keep his Land Rover and big house. I finally put my foot down and told my Mom and siblings no more or I am out as trustee. That stopped everything cold. But they took so much money there is no way I can be made whole. Honestly I don't care as long as my Mom has enough to live out her life the way she wants. My brother offered to let her move in with him. She said no, told me she didn't want to live with anyone...unless it was me. NOPE. I love my Mom but I would kill her. Plus, my wife and I have been carrying the water for 14 years. The bloom came off the rose for my brother when I told him I would maintain control of her funds no matter where she lives.
 

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