Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

The Bill Collector

The Bill Collector

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Jun 2, 2008
4,992
Tacoma, WA
Boat Info
1998 450 Sundancer, Achilles dinghy w/15hp
Engines
3126 Cat's
When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
 
:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043

Now that I'm off the floor and back to the keyboard, I don't know what the moderators will do about stuff like this, but it sure as heck is hilarious. I wish I was that smart :wow:
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChuckW
I sent it to my wife and her family.:wow: Think that's a problem?

haha NO... I just did the same! :thumbsup:

Quick- call the Bank and C.C company
 
Good one.

When I use that type of reasoning with my wife when she buys stuff or want to buy stuff and she wants to justify it , I get the: "You , you have your boat" answer....
 
A GOOD BOAT STORY.....

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said, 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043:smt043
 
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as
usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take
it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
 
Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
 
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house
with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the
boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off."
You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store..... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he
leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhea
run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her
he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees
and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?"
she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
 
Now that was funny.
 
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
 
The man's pet rattle snake was so sick it couldn't shake its tail, so he took the pet to the vet. "What's the matter with my snake, Doctor?" he asked.
"It appears to be reptile dysfunction."
 
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his
> Father sat him down for a little chat.
>
> He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
> On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I
> took off my pants, handed them to your Mother,
> and said, 'Here - try these on'.'
>
> She did and said, 'These are too big. I
> can' t wear
> them.'
>
> I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in
> this family and I always will.' Ever since that
> night, we have never had any problems.
>
> ' Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be
> a good thing to try.
>
> On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants
> and said to Karen, 'Here - try these
> on.'
>
> She tried them on and said, 'These are too
> large. They don't fit me.'
>
> Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in
> this family and I always will. I don't want you
> to ever forget that.'
>
> Then Karen took off her panties and handed
> them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on
> mine.'
>
> He did and said, 'I can't ge t into your p anties.'
>
> Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't
> change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
 
Ron was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, 'tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that
goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Ron got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
 
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