Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out..
 
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm.
 
Two Jews sitting in a Mexican restaurant and one says to the other, I wonder if there are any Mexican Jews? The first guy says why don't we ask the Mexican waiter, so they do, the waiter says I'll go check. He comes back and says no Senors, no Mexican Jews.

The guys are flabargasted, Our people are everywhere, are you sure there are no Mexican Jews? The waiter says I'll go ask the manager. The waiter comes back and says, no Senors, we have only orange Jews, pineapple Jews and grape Jews
 
An elderly man walks*into a confessional. The following conversation*ensues:*
***
Man: 'I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Priest: Ya great! and?

Man: Yesterday, I took two college girls for a ride in my boat. We stopped at the little island about 15 miles from here, where I had sex with each of them.'*

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your*sins?'*

Man: 'What sins?'*

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are*you?'*

Man: 'I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish.'*

Priest: 'Why did you come in here to tell me?'*

Man: 'I'm 72 years old .... I'm telling*everybody!'
 
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.
 
The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask, revealing his face.
The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, now terrified, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, " Anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of terrified silence.

Then, one old farmer blurted out, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya..."
 
Teacher arrested:

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Biden said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
 
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