Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
 
Ok…it’s quite a long list but you might find some of these funny …. or actually apply to you!


Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India, and he's very concerned about my car warranty.

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness. (Mark Twain)

I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take just one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"

One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an older adult is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I re-labeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."
 
I've heard that one but would never say it in public f cked up
 
@PlayDate @Shaps - It looks like Blueone deleted his post. Please delete your "Blueone call out" post as it contains the bad joke.
 
I will readily admit that a I enjoy some subtle and/or twisted humor, as it does not offend me.

I have only ever observed one group of people that perceives they should be immune to
everything that no other group of people (since the beginning of time) has been immune to.
That whole premise has become tiresome to more than just myself.

How many of you moaning about that joke have never told a joke that named a blonde, a redneck, a Pollock, an Indian, a Southerner, a Yankee, a Floridian, a New Yorker, a black, a white, a midget, a dwarf, a fatty, a cripple, a retard, a shrink, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Preacher, a Priest, a Baptist, or a Catholic?
Not one, I'll bet. Were you to make such a claim, most likely you wouldn't be believed

To say that you found a given joke to be in poor taste would (in my view) be a fair response.
In my opinion (which admittedly may be worth no more than you paid for it), there was no justification to elicit the type of thin-skinned, pack response you guys levied on the OP.

In case you've forgotten, you are on the internet.
 
Yendor said:
I will readily admit that a I enjoy some subtle and/or twisted humor, as it does not offend me.

I have only ever observed one group of people that perceives they should be immune to
everything that no other group of people (since the beginning of time) has been immune to.
That whole premise has become tiresome to more than just myself.

How many of you moaning about that joke have never told a joke that named a blonde, a redneck, a Pollock, an Indian, a Southerner, a Yankee, a Floridian, a New Yorker, a black, a white, a midget, a dwarf, a fatty, a cripple, a retard, a shrink, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Preacher, a Priest, a Baptist, or a Catholic? Not one, I'll bet. Were you to make such a claim, most likely you wouldn't be believed

To say that you found a given joke to be in poor taste would (in my view) be a fair response.
In my opinion (which admittedly may be worth no more than you paid for it), there was no justification to elicit the type of thin-skinned, pack response you guys levied on the OP.

In case you've forgotten, you are on the internet.
Click to expand...
I've been on the receiving end for a comment I made some time ago without fully understanding the implications. After reading a numbers of the responses, I'm surprised I didn't get kicked off of the forum!
 
I believe we are all friends here. I have been on CSR for 17 years and find the vast majority of members that have come, gone or stayed to be people I would be happy to have a drink with.

Over those 17 years, we have had maybe 5 trolls show up that were basically mentally ill and were looking forward to creating as much disturbance as they could. We survived them by baiting them and selective engagement. And by using the tools we had to report them until they were banned. I would not have a drink with any of them.

With the exception of politics, I can't think of a subject that emotionally divides our members. Well.....maybe that is not right....certainly Honda generators on board seem to have that effect. You get my point......not even sports divides the members. @JayhawkCurtis while a huge Jay Hawk ...... fulfills his penance by maintaining one of the best bikini threads on the internet.

So from time to time we will disagree on how to fix something or even what is funny. That is what friends do. @Blueone is a friend.
 
I'm glad to have received a couple thoughtful responses rather than the alternative.

I do understand all to well that this is you guys' sandbox and I'm the one that's the proverbial newbie.
I've been the veteran guy on a couple other boards that's run interference, similar to what you've just done. This is a community I'm happy to belong to and would recommend to like minded folks.

It wasn't my intent to offend anybody, as after the fact, it occurred to me I may have.

Although it now appears obvious that it wasn't necessary, I was only meaning to come to the defense of an unmet friend that was sorely outnumbered. I'm in no way, one of those troll-ish types and will join the front line to help eradicate such an infestation whenever it occurs.

Now, let me see if I can find something to get this thread back on track . . .
 
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