Reducing first mates anxiety/stress - Docking, grabbing lines, tying knots, bumpers/fenders

[mrsrobinson]

My first mate, aka my GF, has anxiety with docking, tying off lines, tying knots, hanging a fender, etc. I am trying to teach/mentor/coach her but self admittedly I am not the most patient boater on the water. Overall she has done a good job in my opinion.

My approach/plan has been to let her "do her things with the boat" while I do mine when we dock so she can build confidence, we have a plan, she knows what I will do, what she will do, etc.

For example, we had a high anxiety/stress docking situation Saturday when bringing the boat in on over heating engines. We sucked up mud. I told her I needed her to secure a line to something, pole, cleat, etc. quickly and we could figure out a permanent configuration once the boat was secure. I was shutting an engine down for a bit hoping that would keep me from losing one of them. She froze, panicked I guess, and was waiting for me to back the boat all the way into the new to us slip. I had to keep reminding her to throw a line around the first pilon, the dock, a cleat, something. I know she did her best, it did not go well. This happened recently as well when trying to dock the boat against a strong wind/current.

And I am not sure what's changed with dock mates since I boated years ago, but nobody seems to want to help. They stand there with a beer in their hand yelling directions at me. I know what I am doing at the helm, I need someone to help her.

She gets the same when tying up a bumper/fender. I have shown her multiple times how to tie the knot around the rail. I see her struggling though. I try not to help so she can learn and trust herself but she ultimately turns it back over to me.

If you have/had a similar situation, what do you do? I'd like her to take some kind of in-person training but I can't find anything. I have shared YouTube videos with her, and she does watch them. She tells me she is not on the boat enough to learn, to get the repetitions.

She wants to learn, I see it. So how do I help her?


Thanks

 

[spikedaddy99]

Practice in a low stress area with calm weather first. Get the basics, and then "pretend" like you have problems. Practice on 1 engine (good for you too) and getting docked. You may end up at a place or time with 0 dock hand help. I want my son to slow down and not make mistakes in these situations instead of speeding up and forgetting a fender, or worse, falling overboard because he tripped over something. Obviously getting the boat "ready" to dock (lines, fenders etc) where you are still in a relatively open area (not a confined marina) will help with the final few feet. Prep her ahead of time what you are trying to do and what you hope she can do to help. (not expect, this creates pressure on her) And let her know damage to the boat can be fixed. Although you'd hate it, it will take some of the pressure off.

 

[paulswagelock]

Use tools, clips, pre tied lines, etc to make it as easy as possible. Scour the internet and ask for ideas. For instance, I got this pole for my wife and in high wind docking it was a game changer.

 

[zool]

My problem is the admiral is too afraid to get from the cockpit to the bow on the older dancer. There is no windshield walk thru, and only 6 inches of deck along the cabin side, with no grabrail except the windshield frame. I dont want her to fall off between the boat and dock. My plan is to have a bow or mid cleat line outside the rail brought back into the cockpit, so she can step off the platform onto the dock and tie off a spring line.

Supposedly, the yacht club has dockhand readily available if hailed, but I havent tried that out. Ill make sure to have plenty of tip cash on hand so there is incentive.

 

[FootballFan]

What helped us was headsets. Instead of a series of shouted commands from the helm, it became a conversation. One that the people on the dock did not overhear. She felt comfortable asking for clarification without appearing to dockhands or observers that she did not know what she was doing. I did better because I was not trying to put everything I wanted to happen into 4 or 5 words shouted into the wind. She didn't hear me, or understand what I was saying - so that when I repeated I was louder more forceful. All that did was amp up the situation.

Don't skimp on the headsets. Get a solid full duplex version.

10 years ago my wife was very nervous when it came time to dock. Worried about what to do. Now she nails it - very very good. The only struggle she has is sometimes dealing with 60' 3/4 lines, just the shear weight dragging them around.

In the early days she was always trying to remember how to tie the fenders in between trips. After a few days she would get it down and do fine - but always that first time or two on every trip she would struggle to remember.

We were at a marine store one time, I bought a couple of pieces of 3/8 inch line, 3 or 4 foot long. Took one home, left one on the boat.

She would practice her fender knots on the oven door handle. Or during the first day of cruising, she would find a piece or railing or handle and practice her knots.

 

[douglee25]

It may be good to break down your game plan into 4 distinct areas -

1. Pre-flight and disembarking from the dock
2. Prior to docking
3. During docking
4. Final tie off

I'd recommending listing off the activities (and keep it short) for each. I'd also run through your expectations of her or your guests for each (just so she knows). Spend half a day with her when you're not pressed for time and just go through the motions. Undock, dock, tie up, put up fenders, etc. Do this when it's calm. Then as she gets comfortable, introduce some wind or introduce other conditions where you may have to pivot the bow off the dock when backing from the fuel dock for example. This may require resetting of the lines and a release strategy on your call.

At the end of the day, you should be able to single hand that boat fairly easily. Besides the normal remove fenders, stow lines, etc when casting off, the only thing a second person can do in a normal situation is help cleat a line on the boat/dock when coming or going if you're fighting wind or need to pivot off the dock. The rest is up to you as the captain. You either cleat a line or use a piling to control the boat. Two very simple strategies that she should be able to grasp. Tying up a fender either uses a cleat or the railing - same figure 8 method as the line cleat or a clove hitch with a couple of half hitches to lock it in on a railing. That's really it.

On my boat, each person has a job. My wife/son remove the fenders and lines in the slip. He helps me tie up the bow lines back to the helm. The last line to come off the dock is the starboard aft. It's either removed by me or my wife. During docking, everyone's instruction is to sit still. No arms, no feet, nothing. Sit your ass down so I can see and be quiet so I can concentrate. If I ask 'Are we clear of the dock at the stern', I get a response, and then it's quiet. It's worked well. No yelling. No nothing.

Another thing I've done is that I've really integrated my son into the boating process. Everytime we come into the slip I ask him which way is the wind blowing? Look for cues. He does. He tells me. I ask him from which direction are we going to back into the slip? He tells me. Now everyone is on board with the plan. Then we execute.

 

[Golfman25]

When docking, my First Mate (ake Admiral) is instructed to sit tight and hold on to her wine. I am the one running around crazy trying to dock and tie lines at the same time.

 

[Creekwood]

My wife and kids used to get stressed out too, but they were feeding off of my stress in not being sure they knew what they are doing. Boating is my passion, not theirs, so I basically gave up on asking them to do anything other than "hand me that line". I generally don't need help docking my boat unless its really windy so it works well.

Same for guests. Unless they are really experienced, I just ask they stay seated and not move around till I let them know we are secured. I once asked a guest to step off the swim platform with my stern line and tie it off to the last cleat once I had backed in far enough. Well, he stepped off as soon as backing started, and tied it off to the "first" cleat. So when the line went tight the bow swung hard away from the dock. It was a bit crazy till I figured out what he had done. I guess his idea of "last cleat" was the furthest out the finger slip. Not his fault. Communication is a two way street. LOL.

 

[mrsrobinson]

Great replies, thank you! We do a lot of these things now. I like the head set idea. Her challenge with tying off the bumpers is she gets confused when she on the boat versus on the dock

She wants to help, she does not want to be the wife/gf wearing a bikini drinking wine on the boat while docking. We saw this blonde beauty at a recent weekend trip. She did nothing but wear a $1000 bathing suit, put her hair plugs in/out (literally in front of everyone) and drink her wine and then coffee. Neither of us wants that.

 

[douglee25]

My wife and kids used to get stressed out too, but they were feeding off of my stress in not being sure they knew what they are doing. Boating is my passion, not theirs, so I basically gave up on asking them to do anything other than "hand me that line". I generally don't need help docking my boat unless its really windy so it works well.

Same for guests. Unless they are really experienced, I just ask they stay seated and not move around till I let them know we are secured. I once asked a guest to step off the swim platform with my stern line and tie it off to the last cleat once I had backed in far enough. Well, he stepped off as soon as backing started, and tied it off to the "first" cleat. So when the line went tight the bow swung hard away from the dock. It was a bit crazy till I figured out what he had done. I guess his idea of "last cleat" was the furthest out the finger slip. Not his fault. Communication is a two way street. LOL.

Wow! That cleat was a doozie! I could totally see that happening.

 

[mrsrobinson]

My wife and kids used to get stressed out too, but they were feeding off of my stress in not being sure they knew what they are doing. Boating is my passion, not theirs, so I basically gave up on asking them to do anything other than "hand me that line". I generally don't need help docking my boat unless its really windy so it works well.

Same for guests. Unless they are really experienced, I just ask they stay seated and not move around till I let them know we are secured. I once asked a guest to step off the swim platform with my stern line and tie it off to the last cleat once I had backed in far enough. Well, he stepped off as soon as backing started, and tied it off to the "first" cleat. So when the line went tight the bow swung hard away from the dock. It was a bit crazy till I figured out what he had done. I guess his idea of "last cleat" was the furthest out the finger slip. Not his fault. Communication is a two way street. LOL.

I agree with this, she is feeling my stress/anxiety. I am comfortable docking the boat on my own - maybe I should start doing that.

The "dock hands" at the "new to us" marina were inside the ships store flirting, playing on their phones when I went up to introduce myself after we got docked.

Off topic, while getting fuel on Saturday after leaving our weekend slip the dock hand snugged up very tight on my bow line. I had to remind him to let some line out so I could swing my stern over. Ugh, who trains these folks anyway?

 

[spikedaddy99]

Headsets are a good idea. We can use airpods and our cell phones if really needed these days.

 

[Blueone]

My dock neighbor had his wife fall over the bow rail hit the dock and bounce into the next boat. He from that day forward docks his 55 footer himself. No one is allowed out of the cockpit. That’s the approach I take now…. If I can’t dock it myself I don’t do it…. My wife still wants to help and she is a bit of a pain in the ass so I let her but I don’t need her

 

[spikedaddy99]

Have fenders that can just loop over the cleat. Already with a loop. I've been pulling into my marina a few times hearing "Mike, you lost a fender" yelled at me. Wife struggled making a fender stay on the rail. She didn't know what a half hitch was. In fact, I had to chase down a sailboater once who grabbed our fender and turned tail and tried to run. His comment when I finally caught him (all no wake zone) was darn, I get lucky selling these on Ebay.

 

[mrsrobinson]

Two very simple strategies that she should be able to grasp. Tying up a fender either uses a cleat or the railing - same figure 8 method as the line cleat or a clove hitch with a couple of half hitches to lock it in on a railing. That's really it.

She's nailed the figure 8, it's the clove hitch that keeps tripping her.

After we dock now I let her do all of the lines. She goes around checks, adjusts, etc. She is doing well with this, so much so I don't even double check. Gives me time to focus on other things.

 

[Maybe A Dancer]

I have single handled my entire boating career.

Can't/don't want to rely on anyone.

An express cruiser/sundancer layout is perfect for this.

BEFORE APPROACHING THE DOCK have all your lines tied off and ready

Watching the wind and current give you an idea of what to expect.

Also TAKING ADVANTAGE OF, AND USING THE INERTIA OF THE BOAT as a docking tool is priceless.

Also thinking ahead for the step by step process at every docking situation is required - which line first, second.... etc

Truthfully, single handled is the only way to fly.

BEST !

RWS

 

[douglee25]

Fender Clove Hitch -

Cleat Hitch -

A lot of explaining of what not to do -

Tying up to a piling -

Overall boat tie up technique -

 

[Jeremygavin]

What people said above is all sound advice. Practice is the best advice IMO. If you are coming into a transient slip I always have all the lines tied to the boat and fenders out before we even enter the marina. The kids and my wife do a good job but this way I can double check that everything is the way I want it.
When I am leaving a transient dock right before we are ready to leave I take off all the lines but a stern and midship (or bow if it makes more sense) You can’t stay tied up this way for long but for a few minutes there is no harm. I set them up so that they can be taken off from the boat so that no one has to worry about jumping on and off the boat. For instance if you are leaving a fixed dock with pilings have have the loop on the cleat of my boat, then go around the piling and back to the cleat on the boat. This way all they have to do when I am ready is uncleat the loose end of the line from the boat and pull it around the piling.
This only helps at your home slip but I have all my lines ties to the slip permanently with the loops on the boat side so all my wife and kids need to do is loop the line over their corresponding cleat we are tied up correctly with the right about of line out. I have hooks on the dock where the loop ends hang when we are leaving so they are within easy reach for everyone when we are coming into the slip.
I also have fenders permanently on the dock posts so no one has to deal with fenders.

 

[firecadet613]

My dock neighbor had his wife fall over the bow rail hit the dock and bounce into the next boat. He from that day forward docks his 55 footer himself. No one is allowed out of the cockpit. That’s the approach I take now…. If I can’t dock it myself I don’t do it…. My wife still wants to help and she is a bit of a pain in the ass so I let her but I don’t need her

This. I launch by myself, haul by myself, dock by myself. Slip neighbors have stopped coming down the dock when they see me coming in as they know I don't need assistance.

If the family is with me, I'll let the wife sit on the bow as we pull into our slip and grab the spring line I have resting on one of the poles, but that's it.

Practice and become confident in your abilities. Hone in your skill and be a better boater.

 

[Stee6043]

She wants to help, she does not want to be the wife/gf wearing a bikini drinking wine on the boat while docking. We saw this blonde beauty at a recent weekend trip. She did nothing but wear a $1000 bathing suit, put her hair plugs in/out (literally in front of everyone) and drink her wine and then coffee. Neither of us wants that.

Wait...neither of you wants the $1k bikini up on the bow? I call BS

There was a rather spirited thread here on CSR a few years back about whether or not the admiral can or should help out during docking. Many stories shared of the risks of having her up on the bow, sudden movement of the boat, risk she'll fall off, etc. and so on.

There were a couple times my wife tried to push us off a piling when I got a little too close. We talked about that after the fact, she knows now that if I'm going to hit something she's going to let me hit it. When going into an unfamiliar dock she generally waits patiently until she can hop off and secure a spring line. She also 100% secures the fenders. With the buoy style fenders I simply tell her to lower them to within a few inches of the water. Good to go...