mrsrobinson
Well-Known Member
I figure a lot of us have aging parents so I thought I'd vent a little here, share, get some advise, etc. I will try to organize my thoughts, but no promises 
My mom is 84. She lives by herself in a Senior Living Facility (independently, not assisted). Her health has deteriorated quickly over the past few years. She has severe glaucoma, she is close to blind now. She had triple bypass heart surgery 3 years ago and now has congestive heart failure. She broke both ankles in the past 3 years. She had rectal prolapse surgery late last week. Both of her ankles swell. The list goes on and on. Her husband, I guess my step dad (he raised me) passed away a while ago from Dementia. She's tried to live with my 2 sisters at different times, didn't work out. I now know mostly because of her. My brother had a new home built 2 years ago and offered to build a 2nd master suite for her and let her live with them, she said No. She has no real friends.
We are not a close family. Not Let It To Beaver, not The Brady Bunch, etc. 1 sister and 1 brother local, one sister about 2 hours away. I have tried and tired and tried to help her with social isolation. I posted to NextDoor and 4-5 folks started calling her, offered to visit her. She had something negative to say about all of them. I found a neighbor who was cooking for her, talking with her; same thing, she found something wrong with him. I left a note on all of her neighbors door explaining her situation, can you knock on her door, call, say hello. Some have, she is not interested. I contacted and paid for NaborForce. After one visit my mom said No. I even found a couple where the husband has the same glaucoma she has, they chatted on the phone, she made fun of them.
I am a Meyers Briggs ISTJ. I am not a feeler, I make decisions based on facts. I will take care of you but not with warm fuzzy stuff. I am not naturally receptive to others’ emotions, not unless they are stated clearly, and someone usually only says “I’m angry” when it’s too late to address the initial grievance.
She literally sits in a recliner all day staring at the TV, or listening to it I guess since she doesn't see well. We think that's why she had the rectal prolapse. She will not leave her apartment. She will not walk, exercise, etc. She is convinced she should be in a wheelchair; all doctors say she can walk, and even without her walker, but for her sight.
There are many social activities in her building. When I visit I see folks gathering, chatting, laughing, talking, etc. She will not leave her apartment. She has 16 grandchildren and 12 great grand children. She chose not to be active in their lives growing up. 2 of the girls are still local and I have been asking them to visit her. One has, and you guessed it, all negative/critical stuff back from my mom. She talks about my brother and 2 sisters to me, behind their backs, critically/negatively and I keep asking her to stop. She does the same with me to them. And then she wonders why we don't want to spend time with her. When I was visiting her regularly it was VERY depressing. She sits in her recliner, talks about all of her medical issues/problems, how bad this/that doctor is, everything wrong with everybody, etc. I can't wait to leave.
She lives off of Social Security, no savings, no retirement. I have started paying for some of her recurring expenses.
I see her grocery orders from Instacart from her email. It's junk/crap/sugar/processed/salty garbage. I keep encouraging her to eat more fruits/vegetable. She claims she cannot because of her sight - odd IMO.
The local sister does A LOT for my mom. Much more than I would ever do. She does her laundry, cleans her apartment, etc. To help my sister out I am now paying the facility for what they call companion service, 1 hour a week. They will do anything in that one hour; clean cook, talk, take her for a walk, literally anything. There's a lot of tension between this sister and my mom, so I am hoping doing this will reduce that tension.
So she goes in for rectal prolapse surgery last Wednesday. She was going to be discharged on Friday but she somehow convinced them to put her in rehab for physical therapy. My best guess is she poured on the "poor me" at her apartment so they (the case worker) believed her and admitted her for 20 days of rehab; basically PT once a day then she lays in the bed the rest of the time. This happened when she was in rehab after her triple bypass. She did not want to go home so she prolonged her PT (refused to walk for example).
I care about my mom, I feel sad for her, but she does nothing to help herself. I am at a point where I am not calling or visiting her anymore, but I will still help her with some of her expenses. She should probably be in assisted living, but can't afford it. My 2 sisters are not in a position financially to help, my brother and I probably could, but I am struggling with this. Her saying "No" to everything I have tried to do to help her has reached a point where I think I don't care anymore. Her doing nothing to help herself with her health is the same. She fails to understand the correlation between no exercise, no social life, a bad diet and health.
I am curious to hear from others who are, or did go thru something similar. I feel like I should "do more" but, I just don't have it in me anymore. Her negatively, being critical, lack of doing anything on her own has worn me out. Regarding finances, I could help more but at some point it will cut into my finances, including my planned retirement funds.
My mom is 84. She lives by herself in a Senior Living Facility (independently, not assisted). Her health has deteriorated quickly over the past few years. She has severe glaucoma, she is close to blind now. She had triple bypass heart surgery 3 years ago and now has congestive heart failure. She broke both ankles in the past 3 years. She had rectal prolapse surgery late last week. Both of her ankles swell. The list goes on and on. Her husband, I guess my step dad (he raised me) passed away a while ago from Dementia. She's tried to live with my 2 sisters at different times, didn't work out. I now know mostly because of her. My brother had a new home built 2 years ago and offered to build a 2nd master suite for her and let her live with them, she said No. She has no real friends.
We are not a close family. Not Let It To Beaver, not The Brady Bunch, etc. 1 sister and 1 brother local, one sister about 2 hours away. I have tried and tired and tried to help her with social isolation. I posted to NextDoor and 4-5 folks started calling her, offered to visit her. She had something negative to say about all of them. I found a neighbor who was cooking for her, talking with her; same thing, she found something wrong with him. I left a note on all of her neighbors door explaining her situation, can you knock on her door, call, say hello. Some have, she is not interested. I contacted and paid for NaborForce. After one visit my mom said No. I even found a couple where the husband has the same glaucoma she has, they chatted on the phone, she made fun of them.
I am a Meyers Briggs ISTJ. I am not a feeler, I make decisions based on facts. I will take care of you but not with warm fuzzy stuff. I am not naturally receptive to others’ emotions, not unless they are stated clearly, and someone usually only says “I’m angry” when it’s too late to address the initial grievance.
She literally sits in a recliner all day staring at the TV, or listening to it I guess since she doesn't see well. We think that's why she had the rectal prolapse. She will not leave her apartment. She will not walk, exercise, etc. She is convinced she should be in a wheelchair; all doctors say she can walk, and even without her walker, but for her sight.
There are many social activities in her building. When I visit I see folks gathering, chatting, laughing, talking, etc. She will not leave her apartment. She has 16 grandchildren and 12 great grand children. She chose not to be active in their lives growing up. 2 of the girls are still local and I have been asking them to visit her. One has, and you guessed it, all negative/critical stuff back from my mom. She talks about my brother and 2 sisters to me, behind their backs, critically/negatively and I keep asking her to stop. She does the same with me to them. And then she wonders why we don't want to spend time with her. When I was visiting her regularly it was VERY depressing. She sits in her recliner, talks about all of her medical issues/problems, how bad this/that doctor is, everything wrong with everybody, etc. I can't wait to leave.
She lives off of Social Security, no savings, no retirement. I have started paying for some of her recurring expenses.
I see her grocery orders from Instacart from her email. It's junk/crap/sugar/processed/salty garbage. I keep encouraging her to eat more fruits/vegetable. She claims she cannot because of her sight - odd IMO.
The local sister does A LOT for my mom. Much more than I would ever do. She does her laundry, cleans her apartment, etc. To help my sister out I am now paying the facility for what they call companion service, 1 hour a week. They will do anything in that one hour; clean cook, talk, take her for a walk, literally anything. There's a lot of tension between this sister and my mom, so I am hoping doing this will reduce that tension.
So she goes in for rectal prolapse surgery last Wednesday. She was going to be discharged on Friday but she somehow convinced them to put her in rehab for physical therapy. My best guess is she poured on the "poor me" at her apartment so they (the case worker) believed her and admitted her for 20 days of rehab; basically PT once a day then she lays in the bed the rest of the time. This happened when she was in rehab after her triple bypass. She did not want to go home so she prolonged her PT (refused to walk for example).
I care about my mom, I feel sad for her, but she does nothing to help herself. I am at a point where I am not calling or visiting her anymore, but I will still help her with some of her expenses. She should probably be in assisted living, but can't afford it. My 2 sisters are not in a position financially to help, my brother and I probably could, but I am struggling with this. Her saying "No" to everything I have tried to do to help her has reached a point where I think I don't care anymore. Her doing nothing to help herself with her health is the same. She fails to understand the correlation between no exercise, no social life, a bad diet and health.
I am curious to hear from others who are, or did go thru something similar. I feel like I should "do more" but, I just don't have it in me anymore. Her negatively, being critical, lack of doing anything on her own has worn me out. Regarding finances, I could help more but at some point it will cut into my finances, including my planned retirement funds.
