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[Joint Custody]

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[Pirate Lady]

I’ll go first. Short answer is NO.
My son lived home til 31. Then moved to CA and AZ. I wish he was home, havent seen him in 4 years but we talk a lot. I miss him greatly.
Daughter left early, always was a free spirit, the gypsy, currently traveling South America, leaving Chile today heading to Argentina, then Portugal Spain and Sciliy for the winter.
As for rent, I never charged, my father never charged me, said if i was being responsible no rent, if i started fkng up, the rent would begin. Son cut grass, shoveled snow, fixed my cars, great mechanic. Daughter helped clean the house.
It cost same for utilities whether they were home or not. Being different schedules they always did their own meals, so i never felt the need to charge them.
I wonder if its a different feeling if not your kids as opposed to yours. Who knows.
Picture is her up in Montana this summer. Handles a horse amazingly. Had her first at 10-12.

 

[Golfman25]

It's only natural to want to help your kids. Especially in this chit show world we live in today. My kid moved out right after college as he and his roommate found a place in the city. That's fine with us. But we made him a deal. Max out your 401(k). Save as much as possible. And we'll continue to help you with the phone (he's on our family plan), car insurance, clothes (mom shops a lot), etc. So far, so good.

So when it comes to the GF's kids, you still want to help out while at the same time get them to take responsibility. Rent is fine, but make it a nominal amount for all three. And if she as the means, it goes back to them when they move out -- to cover things like moving expenses, down payments, furniture, etc.

Second, give them their space. If they want to keep their room cluttered, that's their problem and just shut the door. In the shared areas of the house though it has to be kept clean, dishes washed, etc.

 

[b_arrington]

I think charging rent after college graduation (or working or should be, if not attending college) is fine and should be expected. That's not to say it should be a full boat rent, but it should be implemented as at least a nominal indication of expected responsibility and that children need to be productive. It can be positioned as contributing to household expenses. It costs money for those showers - water and and the cost to heat it.

My wife's parents charge her rent when she graduated college. It was some nominal amount that represented a transition to adulthood.

My parents had a policy of also charging their 3 kids rent. It was something like you have x amount of months living at home post-graduation rent-free, but you had better also be looking for a job. After that grace period, rent kicks in. I moved out pretty much right after graduation so that didn't kick in. I would have liked to stay at home and save some cash, but the distance to my job precluded it. Both my brother and sister lived at home for quite some time after school and they did pay rent. My sister also went back school for nursing and had to pay rent during that time too.

My parents helped me with the initial start-up costs for an apartment because I just didn't have the cash - first/last months and security deposit. It was positioned as a loan, but they forgave most of it. They also gave me $20 every time I came out to see them which was most weekends. I liked hanging out with them.

One option as a parent is to charge the rent but then put it an account and give it back to them when they get their own place. That helps put the kid on notice that they have to be responsible and there's no free ride, but you're still going to help them. The point is making them hand it over so its clearly understood that they are adults and need to be responsible. My wife and I plan to do this, but also have been putting money in an investment account for each kid since they were born so they have a nest egg when time comes for them to get an apartment or buy a house.

 

[Stee6043]

My father’s older brother did that with his 3 kids. Charged rent, but banked, then on their wedding day, he gave them an envelope filled with the rent money he had saved for them.
JC, your 25yo bum is way beyond that idea.

You let your son live at home rent-free until the age of 31, but the OP's 25 year old is a "bum"?? I'm so confused...

 

[bobeast]

Wow. that's a tough one. You state that she is an amazing mom, yet she has 3 adult children living at home. I'm sorry but that math just doesn't work. That said, it is guaranteed that should you attempt to change that dynamic, you will come out on the losing end.

Your realistic options are total acceptance or taking a walk.

 

[Steve S]

My father’s older brother did that with his 3 kids. Charged rent, but banked, then on their wedding day, he gave them an envelope filled with the rent money he had saved for them.
JC, your 25yo bum is way beyond that idea.

My mother charged me rent as soon as I got a job other than my first paper route. 10%. Had to show the check stubs to Mom each payday.
On my wedding day I got it all back also... with interest. Taught me responsibility and the effects of compounding your money via interest.
I was out of the house at 23.

 

[Joint Custody]

Well I can say I went through exactly what your about to do and lived through it. Yes that was worded correctly and we are still together. We also had the "kid" house and "adult" house for a while which was nice.

My situation was, we decided to rent my house and live in hers. I helped her find the house and since no one had lived there before that made perfect sense. No history in the house for anyone.

Here kids were a lot younger at the time and I actually raised her youngest and think of him as mine. We still have a great relationship and all is good. The oldest was almost the end of us. We still only tolerate each other at best.

Even though there were tough times, I would never charge rent or for food etc. The only thing I would say is, possibly make them pay for there own cell phones when out of collage or start working.

As for rules etc. that is a tough one. I would and did make them all do things around the house, chores if you but possibly more then that. Things like take out the garbage and cut the grass, vacuum the house all things they will hate and not do. Keep there rooms clean etc. - monumental task at best.

The one thing you will get is "Who are you to tell me anything" when that starts and your patients have all but left you, that's when you will need to dig deep and find more.

The thing you need is your GF really needs to be on board with you being in charge to a degree. If she isn't going to change and just let her kids do what they want, you will never win and it's over before it starts.

Good luck, what attempting is not an easy thing to embark on. For what it's worth you need to ask yourself if she is who you want to stay with for a very long time, if she isn't then I would move on. I have been with my wife for over 16yrs now. The kids are on their own and doing well. The best part is we all survived it and even have smiles when we talk about

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[keokie]

Well, I think it is different for everyone and it certainly is tougher to "launch" today then when I was younger. The economy is tougher, housing is more expensive, young debt for education is higher, etc. And even worse, expectations are much lower (both from the young themselves, and from their parents). Sometimes, I wonder if enough of the new generations will muster the courage and capabilities to take care of themselves, let alone have the ability to provide for a family.

But things are not always what they seem. I grew up in a neighborhood where most kids had a lot expected and required of them. I knew some that did not, but even they grew up to be very responsible and successful. I always suspected they would, and am proud that even as a child I recognized they would not become the derelicts some adults predicted they would.

I thought this for a variety of reasons, but significantly that they were very loyal friends and quick to help if you needed it. Also, their parents did not have landscapers, house cleaners, etc. They painted and maintained their own homes and vehicles, never a contractor or handyman to be seen. Even though the kids didn't help out as much as many adults thought they should, their parents taught them by example to take care of themselves, their families, and be responsible. And as adults, they absolutely are.

I guess it might be the advantage of growing up in a two parent home in these circumstances. I think it may be different for a kid to be playing video games while mom is at work (invisible), and dad is gone... Or, like it was then, Mom is cleaning the house and making meals while dad is painting the house or fixing sprinklers, etc., And the kid who is building a bike ramp in the backyard, sees all of this, and themselves is actually doing something. So, when it became the time to be an adult, they knew how to do it, and what it looked like.

So, I don't know.... I think helping your children, even significantly, is a good thing. I have seen little value in just "throwing them to the wolves", if we are talking about decent kids who can learn with some help. But I will acknowledge, when all else fails, there may be a time where the only option, even in their interest, is to cut them loose.

 

[Bruceflinch]

My Dad made me so uncomfortable living at home, that I joined the Navy to leave home.
now what is the topic?

 

[Woody]

I remember when I was a young kid. We'd visit all the relatives here and there. Questions would be asked, how's so and so? Have you seen so and so lately?....It wouldn't matter what the answers were, someone could have had a broken leg, or be drinking to much, or something else,...but the next question was always 'are they working'? and a good answer would always include 'but they're still working'

Working is a good thing, usually it's good even if you don't make much money.