Can I ask for some advise?

[dwna1a]

Do any of yaw'll have an elder parent living with you or on you property?

My my dad is 83 years old, he has had a stroke and has no motor skills, so pretty much wheelchair or in bed. The VA has been no real help, nursing home is around $8000.00 per month.

We have a Grandmothers cottage behind our main house and with some minor changes it can be set up for my dad. We found a nurse that will stay with him 8 hours a day 5 days a week. My question is what will this mean for my wife and I? The kids will be gone to school so just her and I. I could really use some words of wisdom

 

[Woody]

There's 168 hours in a week and the nurse is only covering 40 of them...what's the rest of the plan? This is a heavy, heavy weight you'll be carrying.

 

[gerryb]

There are many factors that go into making a good choice. One you already identified - not having anyone else in the house that needs attention, eg. kids. Other factors would include: Does he have any available funds or a pension? How is his mind...still sharp, or is dementia also an issue? Would he be happy in a nursing home with other non-family members? If he needs 24x7 care, who will be with him at night? Can you handle showers, foleys, underpant changes, etc. Any other medical issues?

My wife and I have been in this situation and it is not easy. No matter what option works for you, it is a commitment and a huge responsibility.

In our case, the VA did help immensely at the end (hospice) but before that we opted on multiple solutions over time including a nursing home, assisted living facility and in-home care (our home). All had advantages and disadvantages. We've missed months of boating but my wife and I knew that her father came first and we would have many regrets in the future if we didn't do the right thing.

I'm sad to say he passed two weeks ago but we take solace in that he is now in heaven, joined by his wife and many friends.

PM me for any particular issues/questions. Many others helped us when we were in your position and I'm grateful for their input back then.

 

[bbwhitejr]

My mom is 86 and my dad 84. Both still live alone in their home without assistance other than to take them to busier city for an occasional Drs. appointment. Both still have driver's license...They are well off enough to move into a retirement community with assisted living facilities on site, but my mother refuses to. They will have been married 62 years this December. My brother lives 4 hours north and I live 8 hours SW. My wife and I went to a retirement community very near our home and did all of the homework and put together a presentation for them. She refuses to leave her home. I semi-understand what you are up against. I deal with the uncertainty of the future.

Bennett

 

[thegotoguyr]

It is very tough on everyone in that situation. We took care of mom with alzhiemers in her house as much as we could, but for her own sake we got her into a home with full time care. They are subsided by government here.It is a huge commitment to be there for some who can basically never be alone. I'm not sure if your dad is in that category. My advise is to take whatever help you can get, and do everything you can to do the best you can for him as I still wish I could have done more for mom everyday. She passed 3 years ago Sept.
There is probably no clear answer.
Good luck.

 

[Lakebum431]

I'll just take a moment to remind everyone how important long term care insurance is. As my "friend" Dave Ramsey suggests, everyone should buy it at age 60.

 

[src]

I'll just take a moment to remind everyone how important long term care insurance is. As my "friend" Dave Ramsey suggests, everyone should buy it at age 60.

True, but short term disability insurance is equally important. When my mom's kidneys shut down and she went into hospice care (she refused dialysis), we learned that the long term care policy wouldn't kick in until X number of days had passed after the diagnosis. I can't remember what the X was, but it was longer than the 4 months she ended up living. While medicare covered the normal hospice costs, we had to eat all of the additional expenses related to her care out of pocket.

 

[fwebster]

I'll just take a moment to remind everyone how important long term care insurance is. As my "friend" Dave Ramsey suggests, everyone should buy it at age 60.

Ramsey was the prompt I needed to buy long term care coverage.

This isn't a criticism, but a fact: Dave crafts his recommendations for a specific demographic, i.e. the working class guy who struggles with debt, credit card balances, etc. His advice is sound for that demographic. For example, his recommendation on long term care, i.e. buy it at age 60 is formulated based on maximizing 401K's, IRA's, and saving "x" for retirement. Everyone's personal finance picture is not necessarily Dave's target demographic. For example, when we started looking at long term care, I found that accelerating the purchase to your early 50's saves a lot of the premium cost, and if you can afford to start the premiums that early you can buy a policy with greater benefits for less annual cost.

So, Lakebum431's suggestion is certainly valid........I would just encourage those 50 and older to begin researching long term care policies and get quotes for your present age as well as age 60+, then make your decision based on your financial situation and income level.

 

[Brutus C Paw]

Not sure what assets your Father has, but there may be a medicaid bed somewhere for him. NJ will take all his money first, but then Medicaid will take over. You can check on disbursing some of it within the rules (e.g. pay you rent for time he is with you) and as I said, assets will need to be worked down to get him in the slot. Check with the nusing homes.

 

[Lakebum431]

True, but short term disability insurance is equally important. When my mom's kidneys shut down and she went into hospice care (she refused dialysis), we learned that the long term care policy wouldn't kick in until X number of days had passed after the diagnosis. I can't remember what the X was, but it was longer than the 4 months she ended up living. While medicare covered the normal hospice costs, we had to eat all of the additional expenses related to her care out of pocket.

Valid to think about. However it is much more economical to "self insure" through short term issues if you plan ahead of time. If you are not able to do so I would agree completely.

 

[Mike Blake]

If my dad were still here I would gladly take care of him. No question!

 

[dwna1a]

I would like to thank all of you. Dads money situation isn't the greatest. He is retired USAF, and NASA so he does get some money from them. It won't be anywhere near enough if he stays where he's at. My wife took good care of her mom here at the house till they day she passed.

my contractor has cut us some large discounts to help and is going to install a monitoring system for us that he used for his dad.

dads health isn't good, he has vascular dementia and is loosing his motor skills. He's not eating much of anything but still loves my cooking. My largest fear is not being able to take the best care I can for him and I'm a little worried about the extra stress on my wife and I. I do think this will turn into an in home Hospis situation. I also worry how my brothers and sister will react. None have been around to help at all

i have great memories of him working on Applo and the shuttles landing gear and tiles. I used to go hunting with all those men as a kid. When the shuttle blew up over Texas they all had a drinking meeting at the Yacht Club, they wrote a letter telling the investigators where and what to look for. Now he doesn't remember what he had for lunch. Thank you...all of you.

 

[src]

It's a tough road. We moved my mom onto our property, but not into the house, when she needed more care than she was getting, but she also wanted to maintain some independence. During that period, she required a little help around the house, and help with anything outside (i.e. I did the grocery shopping, travel to/from the Dr., etc.). While this was additional work, it wasn't a burden.

Once she had the final diagnosis, and started home hospice care, the level of care she needed went up exponentially. She needed more help moving around, more help feeding herself, had episodes where 24/7 care was needed for up to a week at a time, and so on. The hospice workers were great, but they really had minimal involvement. A nurse visit several times a week, an assistant to help her bathe/etc. a couple times a week, but otherwise it was all us. During that period, I moved to a reduced & modified schedule with my employer, which allowed me to work from home almost 100%, but also involved a hefty pay cut. The stress level was off the charts, I barely slept for months, and I had to be ready to respond at a moments notice 24/7, checking on her at all hours. When she needed 24/7 nursing assistance, it was all out of pocket (NOT cheap, about $500/day here).

In the end, it was the hardest time of my life. It took more than a year to recover from all of the effects (financial and emotional). And in the end, I know that I did right by her, and she knew it every day until it was over. I'm glad that I was able to step up and do what no one else could or would.