Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

This morning I was beaten up by a big breasted woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1, please?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that.
 
A new study has revealed that women with big boobs are smarter than women with smaller boobs.

Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn't really listening.
 
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:

"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
 
She told her mother, "Mike proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
 
NEWS HEADLINE:
Woman attacked after jumping the fence into a Jaguar exhibit at the zoo so that she could get a Selfie with the animal.

Let me guess: Trump is not your president.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez proud to announce that she finished 3 books in only one week.

That was a lot of coloring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chelsea Clinton is in an uproar.
She says that she is down right angry that her grandmother never had access to planned parenthood.

We are too Chelsea, we are too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says that if we don't change our ways, the world will end in 12 years.

Al Gore backed her up saying, I've been telling people that for 30 years now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cruising across America, I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed. There was a dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...

I said to him, "What do you folks do around here for fun?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hillary Clinton went for her annual physical.

After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She sorted through all her devices and when she found her phone she called Bill. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice. "Who is this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fireman looked out the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

" Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
 
Stupid baby.JPG
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.


He whirled around and screamed, ‘ GOOD GRIEF- WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’
 
5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on
renderTimingPixel.png

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the a$$ are interchangeable!
 
It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "tWhy don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Paddy, so he asks Ciara's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Ciara's father, "Ciara really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Paddy's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Ciara comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Paddy escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Ciara rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
 
These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take the exam anyway.

Prof: “you’ve all been good students in my class, so I will let you take the exam this afternoon after class.”

Ecstatic, the buddies go through the rest of their day, coming in after class to take the exam. The Professor seats them in four different rooms, each with a copy of the 2 page exam and a pencil. They all start, and the questions are very easy on the first page. They flip over the exam and the whole page is blank except for one question: “Which tire was it?”
 
Three students are sitting in an apartment.

One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"

Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".

The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".

The third student then replies: "And I was in the same shithole as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".
 
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Dogfish Head sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Dogfish Head?" The Dogfish Head president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
 
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