Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Paul and Joyce to be the hosts, Joyce wanted to outdo all the others.

Joyce decided to have mushroom-smothered steak since it was Paul’s favorite meal. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told Paul, “No mushrooms. They are too pricey.”

Paui said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

Joyce said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

Paul said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Joyce decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Joyce watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Joyce even hired a young teenage girl from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes.

About then, the young teenager from town came in and whispered in Joyce’s ear.

She said, “Ma’am, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Joyce went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the young girl came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”
 
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Bob was mailed a picture of himself and his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Bob... pretty upset about this entrapment, sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police not amused responded with another mailed photo .... of handcuffs.
 
Maria, an Italian woman was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asks the priest.

Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're finally together,' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says, "I was talking about her legs."
 
I finally snapped,” the man said. “Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof.” “What did you do?” asked his friend. “I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.” “Did it help?” “I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and equipment.”
 
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat."
 
An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
 
A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"

"Starboard!" said boy grinning from ear to ear.

"Good for you!" said the pilot.

"And straight?" asked the pilot.

The boy quickly replied, "Without ice!"
 
RADIO CONVERSATION

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry:

Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!
 
I've learned two very important lessons in my life. I can't recall the first one, but the second one is that I need to start writing things down.
 
A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so he asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

He was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc....

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullcrap!"
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
 
Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep ,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a center console boat with three engines.

Amen
 
This man had cancer in his left knee and had to be removed.

Unfortunately an intern put the x-ray on the viewing light backwards and they amputated the wrong leg.

When the mistake was discovered they had to remove the other leg.

He was so angry he tried to sue the hospital but the judge threw the case out. Said he didn't have a leg to stand on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to the doctor: arthritis in my left knee is killing me.

Doctor: How are you doing today?

Me: Can't kick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that

Stated Dr. Bumbutu, in Africa, could enlarge your breasts

Without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see
If he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower,

Rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want

Bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and

To her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a

Panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't

Recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle

Aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a

Patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'....
 
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "bless me, father for i have sinned. i was with seven women last night"

The priest is silent for a moment, then says "go home and cut seven lemons in half. squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.

"And ill be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No." replies the priest ,"but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night as my girlfriend was sleeping, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper.
This morning,, well...……...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

That woman has no sense of humor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
 
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