Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

[Lucky's]

One sunny day in the latter part of January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where He'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would Like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go In and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

I LOVE this one and stole it for a repost. Thanks for the laugh!!!


Shaun
Sent from my iPhone

 

[Daddubo]

Now this is funny

 

[RobnBern]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'


'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh##?

 

[MonacoMike]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'


'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh##?

That is a great joke. I think I heard it once before... :smt043

09-20-2010 12:58 PM #761

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a dam? ':lol:

MM

 

[RobnBern]

OOPs!!! My sister-in-law sent it to me today.....but any good joke worth hearing is worth hearing twice!!! hahah

 

[MonacoMike]

OOPs!!! My sister-in-law sent it to me today.....but any good joke worth hearing is worth hearing twice!!! hahah

That is far from the first repost of a joke. This is one of the best collections of jokes I know of.

MM

 

[Gofirstclass]

When his son refused to get a job, His father insisted he join the U.S. Marine Corps.

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye Chart across the room.

''What chart doc? 'The young man asked.

'The one on the wall! 'The doctor said.

'What wall?' said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the Doctor called his nurse into the room. He asked her to strip down so she did a very seductive strip show for the reluctant candidate. She was beautiful, with long blond hair, a great tan with nice tan lines, a great figure, and stood there looking at the candidate while licking her lips.

Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat.

'Well, you may not see anything,' the doctor said, but your d*ck is pointing straight towards Paris Island South Carolina

'Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps young man."

 

[Daddubo]

 

[Daddubo]

That is far from the first repost of a joke. This is one of the best collections of jokes I know of.

MM

I think some of the biggest jokes are in Washington DC:smt101

 

[moparlvr4406]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could..."I am so sorry," she said.."I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[Daddubo]

I stumbled across this it is the funniest thing I have ever read


http://thepeoplescube.com/current-t...trillion-cow-farts-into-atmosphere-t1950.html

Page 1 of 1 (58 posts) Previous | Next
Volcano Releases One Trillion Cow Farts Into Atmosphere

Red Square
5/14/2008, 1:25 pm

On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored global warming climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?" ~

The UN already had a climate agency
dedicated to capping the catastrophic
spread of technology and free enterprise
when scientists discovered that cow
farts presented an even greater danger
to life on earth than man-made machines.
It was only logical that the UN urgently
created a new authoritative agency
dedicated to capping cow farts and other
related phenomena that posed a threat
to the survival of the United Nations.

---

The IPCF, a UN-sponsored organization tasked to evaluate the insoluble problem that threatens to end their careers, is not easily swayed by just one volcano eruption.

"Contrary to what our member states may think," said IPCC Chairman, "the success of our scientific body is measured not by the amount of released cow farts we can report in the end of each year. No, our success as a United Nations agency is measured by decreases in the production of food, decline of industries, lowered living standards, reduced life expectancy, and a complete halt of economic development in the poorest nations." The IPCF does not carry out research, nor does it monitor cow farts. The main activity of the IPCF is publishing special reports on topics relevant to cow farts, in order to raise awareness about the potentially catastrophic effects of industrial development, self-reliance, and capitalist prosperity on the existence of various intergovernmental panels within the framework of the United Nations.

Environmental dissident: If you believe that our planet is a self-aware living organism with a superior god-like consciousness, why is it so hard to imagine that Mother Earth is intentionally producing greenhouse gases for its own obscure purposes, and your emission caps are getting in the way? See what you've done? Now Mother Earth had to erupt a f**king volcano to compensate for the drop in f**king cow farts.

"It takes more than a volcano to stop our opposition to the threat presented by industrial production and free markets to the ideas of global government and central planning," said Mr. Pachauri. "If we don't act soon, my children may never be able to chair an intergovernmental panel, control the economy, and distribute production quotas. The hardest hit will be Third-World dictatorships that are contributing disproportionately more money to our members and their families. So it isn't just our fight. The stand against economic development and free enterprise has become an urgent global issue - a moral issue if you will - that affects the physical survival of all endangered intergovernmental agencies."
The IPCF conference concluded its work on an optimistic note, resolving that in order to compensate for all past and future volcano eruptions, the UN must push for even stricter limits on all industries and redouble taxes on developed nations.
A separate chapter calls for a special volcano tax on the worst offenders starting with Chile - with a footnote explaining that if the Chileans hadn't disposed of the Marxist regime of Salvatore Allende in 1971, the whole issue could've been avoided because they wouldn't be anywhere near the list of developed nations today.

National and international bodies generally regard the IPCF as authoritative, and its reports are widely cited in almost any debate related to cow farts. But the biggest achievement of the IPCF has become an international acceptance of the Cow Fart Unit, or CFU, which has become a universal standard in measuring air quality and pollution, as well as commercially distributed carbon credits.

Marshal Pupovich
5/14/2008, 3:53 pm

Outstanding as usual! But Comrade Cube, I am not sure what to do. As you know, I am more equal than most when it comes to loyalty to the Party, but on what side should I be on? Pro cow fart or anti cow fart? I sort of lean to the progressive dissident that felt this recent volcanic eruption, unauthorized though it was, was but the entirely understandable response of a self-aware planet earth to the efforts to stem cow farts.

Arch Axel
5/14/2008, 5:52 pm
It should be clear to all Progressive People that Chile needs to purchase mega-credits under the International Bait and Swi...er, Cap and Trade cow fart offset program, whereby enough Africans will commit suicide to make up for Chile's extremely selfish volcano emissions. Or maybe Al Gore could turn his pool thermostat down to 78 degrees.

Red Square
5/14/2008, 6:45 pm

You name it, cow farts are causing it!

Ushanka tip to Global Warming Insanity.com

STOP THE CULTURE OF ERUPTIONS!

Marshal Pupovich
5/14/2008, 10:23 pm

I am feeling very guilty comrades, after reading this from the link above...

It’s amazing how “global warming” keeps absorbing more power and wipes out more people as it grows. What is really being said over and over again is that WE are the evil power behind everything because of the amount of emissions we and our cars produce. Being alive will soon be a hate crime! Global warming seems to be the holding tank that steals and mutes any definition of TRUE EVIL and TRUTH.

Premier Betty
5/15/2008, 12:20 am

I believe this video has proof of the evil cow's exhaust.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFcZAoo4XnQ

Komrade Zarkof
5/15/2008, 2:16 am
Comrades,

I'm ready to do my part to lower the emissions of these insidious bovines. I will concentrate my efforts to turning a Standard CFU into a Human equivalent emission.
First, I'll consume some Ribeye steaks, some New York steaks, some ribs and make some tasty meatballs for Commissar Pupovich. Then, I'll have a BBQ with some briskets and roasts. Beef, it's what's for dinner!!

Red Square
5/15/2008, 10:01 am

Human equivalent emission = HEE.
Can you say hee-hee?



Anonymous
5/15/2008, 8:31 pm
One man's volcanic eruption is another man's cinder pit.
One cow's fart is another cow's excuse to cross the road.
One man's MAD (Methane Awareness Disorder; see Gore, Albert) is another man's lucrative growth industry.

Peter der-Grosse
5/15/2008, 8:37 pm

...Global warming may be the Mother Land's greatest threat...with out the Russian winter the Nazi war machine would be fueled by our Siberian oil...

Mr. Skipperdoo
5/15/2008, 8:38 pm

I understand that progressives within the PRC have been studying the capture and distillation of cow emissions for many years. I believe Dr. Chai Lah Teh of the People's Institute of Scientific Study (PISS) has been at the forefront (or should I say behind) the best research done so far.

Where is Comrade Mousey-Tongue, he is Dr. Teh's nephew. Perhaps he can shed light on their progress?



w
5/15/2008, 8:54 pm
Every comrade knows Chile makes you fart. How do we know it was one trillion cows and not just one too many algore speeches?

Red Square
5/16/2008, 9:25 am

Did someone say "Human equivalent emission"? Reuters agrees. Some comrades are already measuring Global warming in human farts, and Reuters, as usual, is on the forefront of reporting this progress. See this morning's dispatch of the current truth.

Obesity seen contributing to global warming

Reuters
GENEVA (Reuters) - Obesity contributes to global warming, too.

Obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and the problem will worsen as the population literally swells in size, a team at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine says.

This adds to food shortages and higher energy prices, the school's researchers Phil Edwards and Ian Roberts wrote in the journal Lancet on Friday.

"We are all becoming heavier and it is a global responsibility," Edwards said in a telephone interview. "Obesity is a key part of the big picture."
The most important part of it is that THIS IS NOT A PARODY! Someone is making money off reporting this.

How many volcanic eruptions does it take to show the global warming activists that counting beans is not worth it? None. Because the issue is not the issue - the revolution is the issue. Many roads lead to the revolution, and wallowing in human and cow farts is one of them.

Indeed, one man's Reuters is another man's toilet paper.

Does life imitate the People's Cube or what?

Ted State
5/16/2008, 11:16 am
Maybe Comrade Pupovich should cut back on the party's monthly ration of Beans and Broccoli. Is Al Gore buying more carbon credits when he farts?

Mr. Skipperdoo
5/16/2008, 11:25 am

Ted State
Maybe Comrade Pupovich should cut back on the party's monthly ration of Beans and Broccoli. Is Al Gore buying more carbon credits when he farts?

True, comrade Ted. It has become so bad, a hazmat team must accompany the Commissar on his travels to protect the public from hazardous methane emissions. This costs the Party in resources, and the presence of the team absorbing his carbon footprint wherever he 'goes' is not a good image for advancing the party's progressive standing. Perhaps the commissar should eat more roughage? I highly recommend carrots.

Above all, we must raise awareness of this issue, particulary among fat slobs obese people:

One man's burrito is another man's biohazard waiting to happen.
One dog's chili is another dog's pile to sniff.
One party's problem is another party's opportunity.

Marshal Pupovich
5/16/2008, 9:46 pm

Comrades, TedState and "Mr Skipperdoo".... as you would know had you paid attention in the KMRC, I sell carbon credits based on my progressive dedication to cutting back on bean consumption. So, all one do is buy credits from me, and I will take care of your carbon usage induced guilt.

Navigator
5/17/2008, 12:13 pm

I lifted my head up from my beet farm this morning and am dismayed to find the absence of hatred and discontent aimed at President George Bush?

While everybody knows Bush is the individual responsible for all world calamities ... why hasn't the pitchforks and lip flapping started?

Why has no one yet blamed Bush for the Chilean volcano, the Burma cyclone or the earthquake in China?

Something should be done before we get to 3 Kyotos!!!!

Commissarka Pinkie
5/17/2008, 12:44 pm

Obviously your head has been buried quite deep, Navigator, for I (who else?) am already way ahead of you on the Bush Factor:

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1913

Scroll down to the bottom. I've already identified him as the evil mastermind behind the Chinese earthquake and subsequent murder of Comrade Mousey-Tongue for having a relationship with a Muslim, specifically a Persian cat.

And the Empress still has not emerged from her bunker to comfort the grieving masses, for Mousey-Tongue was much-loved by The People.

He was, if I might paraphrase the turncoat Tony Blair, truly The People's Cat.



FXR
5/17/2008, 3:45 pm
Examining UN agencies and their actual value in the global picture, we find a new truth previously not considered. An aid and justification for a pursuit of a political career, while others complain about the odorous personality required.

Bull**** is always carbon neutral.

Al Gore is a god. [Best kept at a safe distance if you smoke.]

Beelzebob Brown
5/18/2008, 7:52 am

This just in

Comrades,

This diligent revolutionary is carefully documenting all the different evil which is caused by global warming (which is caused by evil capitalism)...with this comprehensive list here

It's a perfect tool for dealing with deniers- if they refute a particular AGW claim, just move on to the next one and cause them to give up from bamboozlement (or extreme boredom). With diligence like this, it will become impossible NOT to prove that Global Warming is evil.

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
5/18/2008, 6:32 pm

Beelzebob Brown
[...]This diligent revolutionary is carefully documenting all the different evil which is caused by global warming (which is caused by evil capitalism)...with this comprehensive list here[...]
Oh my Algore! The Loch Ness Monster was done in by Global Warming! What next, the Yeti and the Bunyip?

Comrade Ogrrre
5/19/2008, 12:15 am
Comrade Kalashnikov, be at ease! The next to be done in by Global Warming will be the chupacabra. We in the Collective Society of Actuaries have determined that the Yeti is safe until May 1, 2010, when they will all suddenly melt, contributing to record flooding in the Himalayas. So save up your rubles now for the big relief effort to come -- or buy up some Starka vodka and enjoy the Party.

General Mousey-Tongue
5/19/2008, 1:00 am

I have just returned from a fact-finding mission deep within the stricken provinces of Mother China. This earthquake, and the Myanmar typhoon, are clearly the work of the criminal kittykiller Bush. The ravages of global warming will kill all life on earth unless he is stopped now. He must stand before the world to face justice for his crimes against humanity and kittenhood!

Did I miss anything while I was gone, comrades?

Premier Betty
5/19/2008, 3:04 am

Umm... didn't you die or something?

General Mousey-Tongue
5/19/2008, 9:28 am

Thank you for your concern, Premier! I had some MuShu Pork last Thursday that caused minor digestive distress, but I am otherwise fine.

How are you?

Commissar L.R. Star
5/19/2008, 1:23 pm

Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

Premier Betty
5/19/2008, 1:25 pm

I'm uh... fine....

[out corner of mouth]

(What's with all those pictures of his dead body? What's going on here?)

General Mousey-Tongue
5/19/2008, 2:14 pm

Commissar L.R. Star
Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

Thank you, Commissar LoneRedStar! As you can see, reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Commissarka Pinkie
5/19/2008, 7:33 pm

MOUSEY-TONGUE!!!

You're alive! You came back!

You damn cat! I'd smack you with my shovel if I weren't worried about PETA making a big stink out of it. We thought you were dead! Have you any idea of the trouble you've caused, when all this time you were obviously on some bender with that fluffy Persian floozy?

And here I got Elton John to sing "Honky Cat" at your funeral, with all new lyrics I wrote myself. Now what am I supposed to do with all these millions of CD's that people were going to make a stampede for, like they were tickets to an Obama rally?

Have you any idea of how my faith in the Empress has been shaken? For the past week, as the People mourned your passing, not once did she emerge from her bunker to offer us words of comfort in our time of grief. Now I'm totally disillusioned with the antiquated institution she represents, and I find myself longing for hope . . . and change . . .

Premier Betty
5/19/2008, 7:53 pm

This doesn't sound good....

General Mousey-Tongue
5/19/2008, 10:03 pm

Commissarka Pinkie
MOUSEY-TONGUE!!!

You're alive! You came back!

You damn cat! I'd smack you with my shovel if I weren't worried about PETA making a big stink out of it. We thought you were dead! Have you any idea of the trouble you've caused, when all this time you were obviously on some bender with that fluffy Persian floozy?

And here I got Elton John to sing "Honky Cat" at your funeral, with all new lyrics I wrote myself. Now what am I supposed to do with all these millions of CD's that people were going to make a stampede for, like they were tickets to an Obama rally?

Have you any idea of how my faith in the Empress has been shaken? For the past week, as the People mourned your passing, not once did she emerge from her bunker to offer us words of comfort in our time of grief. Now I'm totally disillusioned with the antiquated institution she represents, and I find myself longing for hope . . . and change . . .

Commissarka Pinkie! I am most honored!

I apoligize if I caused anyone concern...I was on a fact-finding mission in the stricken regions of Mother China for days without radio or cellphone communication. I could not even establish a command and control uplink to our MTE! To come back from that carnage to find the collective in such turmoil has confirmed my suspicions that there are enemy agents apaw here!
I will buy a case of the 'Honky Cat' CDs, just put them on my Kollektive Kard.

Never in my fluffiest, wildest dreams - well maybe my wildest - did I imagine that I would shack up with a Persian mistress. And my being deceased? May Mao's ghost despoil the horticulture of this vile perpetrator for generations to come! It's Bu****ler! He can even reach us in our own Cube!

(calms down, takes a deep breath and a long sip of Tsingtao)

Regarding the Hope/Rope-A-Dope-For-Change: remember, my Kommissarka, our Empress is always at her best when times are worst. She is even now plotting her comeback with boldness and strength. She is not in hiding, she is coiling for the pounce! I have it from highly placed sources she is now flying backwards on her broom. Have another glass of vodka, and hope in the perennial hope of Next Tuesday!

Ivan Betinov
5/20/2008, 1:13 am

You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

General Mousey-Tongue
5/20/2008, 11:34 pm

Commissar L.R. Star
Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

Congratulations on your recent promotion, Commissar!

RedtheProgressiveFox
5/21/2008, 5:00 pm

Ivan Betinov
You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

Does my heart good, knowing that we can find a way to blame Bush for something like volcano eruptions. Who would have though.

Polkovnik X
5/22/2008, 3:50 am
Er.. komrades, shouldn't 1,000 farts be equal to 1 Kilofart, not 1 Megafart?
Likewise, 1,000,000 farts = 1 Megafart, am I correct, er.. korrect?

Premier Betty
5/22/2008, 3:48 pm

I'm not good enough at math to make a decision. That's what the party does for me.

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
5/22/2008, 7:30 pm

Apparently Comrade Polkovnik X has not done enough sensitivity training yet to see that all numbers are equal. Perhaps a refresher course on PeopleMath™ will do the trick.

Navigator
5/22/2008, 10:17 pm

Polkovnik X
Er.. komrades, shouldn't 1,000 farts be equal to 1 Kilofart, not 1 Megafart?
Likewise, 1,000,000 farts = 1 Megafart, am I correct, er.. korrect?

You have a good technical point but I rather like the idea of linking volcanic eruptions to cow farts without regard to the accuracy of the unit of measure.

Frankly, I'm concerned we having been unable to view much news about the volcano eruption ever since The PCube™ made the politically incorrect cow fart to volcano link.

What else could we link to cow farts?

WA DC?
Welfare?
Illegal immigration?
Public schools?
Obtaining a building permit?
Getting a ticket for driving without a seat belt?

Polkovnik X
5/23/2008, 5:06 am
Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
Apparently Comrade Polkovnik X has not done enough sensitivity training yet to see that all numbers are equal. Perhaps a refresher course on PeopleMath™ will do the trick.I humbly bow before the wisdom of The Party. Of course, everything is equal. That must have been some sort of dark kapitalist power whispering into my ear, trying to seduce me. May The Party forgive me..

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
5/23/2008, 6:19 am

Just blame George W. Bush and you'll be fine.

Everything is Bush's fault.



Anonymous
5/23/2008, 11:18 am
Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?

We will be using Political Re-Education Camp inmates to test the power output, but we expect to remove the Capitalist Pig Dam at Bonneville sometime later this year, depending on how many watts the Camp Inmates can generate, especially on a nutricious grass soup diet...

Truly, Power to the Peoples...

Ivan Betinov
5/23/2008, 12:01 pm

Quote:
Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?


Ah, the sweet smell of success!

Navigator
5/23/2008, 12:06 pm

Anonymous
Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?

We will be using Political Re-Education Camp inmates to test the power output, but we expect to remove the Capitalist Pig Dam at Bonneville sometime later this year, depending on how many watts the Camp Inmates can generate, especially on a nutricious grass soup diet...

Truly, Power to the Peoples...

Have you overlooked The People's Mobil Cow Fart Generator?

Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dr. Strangelove
6/12/2008, 1:05 am

Premier Betty
I believe this video has proof of the evil cow's exhaust.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFcZAoo4XnQ

Is that where they make the real imitation cheese?

Dr. Strangelove
6/12/2008, 1:35 am

Mr. Skipperdoo
Above all, we must raise awareness of this issue, particulary among fat slobs obese people:

"Obese people?!" What kind of body massist thought crime is this?! I'm sure what you meant to say was "persons of size."

Premier Betty
6/12/2008, 3:01 am

Dr. Strangelove
Is that where they make the real imitation cheese?


No, but it's where I die a lot.

Commissar_Elliott
6/19/2008, 3:03 pm

This is exactly why we need Party regulations on the enviroment. If we regulated volcanoes, we could help reduce or even stop global warming. Join the fight comrades!

Navigator
6/19/2008, 3:55 pm

You'd think if The Party can stop drilling off the coast of America for 25 years, legislating a volcano into extinction should be a walk in the park?

Commissar_Elliott
6/19/2008, 8:38 pm

Navigator
You'd think if The Party can stop drilling off the coast of America for 25 years, legislating a volcano into extinction should be a walk in the park?

You'd think. . .

Dr. Strangelove
6/19/2008, 10:52 pm

Comrade_Elliott
You'd think. . .

Don't do that, comrade. That could lead to a thought crime. Best to just let the Party do the thinking for you...

Commissar_Elliott
6/19/2008, 10:59 pm

Dr. Strangelove
Comrade_Elliott
You'd think. . .

Don't do that, comrade. That could lead to a thought crime. Best to just let the Party do the thinking for you...

Thank you for this helpful tip Dr. Strangelove. I must reassert my alligence and mind to The Party.

Tatiana Pahlen
8/8/2008, 1:51 pm

Zampolit Blokhayev
4/21/2010, 7:18 pm

Comrade Direktor Red Square
A separate chapter calls for a special volcano tax

This should be forced upon Taco Bell first because of the mass consumption of their "gut bomb" burritos!

--
ZB

Zampolit Blokhayev
4/21/2010, 7:26 pm

Ivan Betinov
You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

This is the finest piece of liberal logic that I have seen in a long time! Comrade Betinov should be nominated for Hero of Socialist Intelligentsia. Just wait until we get this piece out to our useful idiots fellow travelers at NBC, CBS, CNN, and ABC!

--
ZB

Leninka
4/22/2010, 1:02 am

General Mousey-Tongue
I have just returned from a fact-finding mission deep within the stricken provinces of Mother China. This earthquake, and the Myanmar typhoon, are clearly the work of the criminal kittykiller Bush. The ravages of global warming will kill all life on earth unless he is stopped now. He must stand before the world to face justice for his crimes against humanity and kittenhood!

Did I miss anything while I was gone, comrades?

No, just a lot of whining and griping, Comrade Mousey Tongue. Some even griped about where you were.

Comrade Putout
4/22/2010, 12:01 pm

Are we allowed to remember the man from U.N.C.F.E.?

United Nations Cow Fart Enforcement​

Grigori E.R.
4/22/2010, 7:56 pm

Just thinking............

It being Earth Day and all, I was thinking about Mother Gaiea. We should change to
Mother Progaiea.

Ivan Betinov
4/27/2010, 4:22 pm

Celebrate Earth Day with a Lesbian romp in a cow pasture?




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Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush
Obama names his 12 lip stitches "Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter..."

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Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke
North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting "peace now"
Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission
Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick�s day is only 4 months away
Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans
Aging Democratic Party Politburo refuses to give way to younger apparatchiks
Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies 'action by U.S. adversary,' searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors
Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet
Obama to America: "Mumbai is awesome! Wish you were here. Wire money"

Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!
Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters
Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You've seen Juan, you've seen 'em all
Google expands maps and street views to include Google Colonoscopy: zero in on target and get detailed view with few clicks of mouse. New program supported by several gov't agencies, most notably IRS
New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back
Democrats launch "Take Our Jobs" campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them
Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts
Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell
In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs
Obama goes to church, worships self
Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties

GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same
Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged'
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops
U.S. forces in Afghanistan brace for backlash after President's message on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur
Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector
Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas
MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint
New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead
The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint
White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation
Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs
Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns
Obama's lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof

Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical
Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China
Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling
On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012

Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama
Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual
Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals
NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'
Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations
In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials
NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers
Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton
Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth
Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)



In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide
Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper
War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011
MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage
Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election
White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne
EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp
Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"
Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill
Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group
Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan
Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land
Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History


Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

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[Escapade]

A Lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[Escapade]

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[Trucky]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.


Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.


The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.


The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'


The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

[Trucky]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

[Daddubo]

Heavenor Hell ? CHOOSE WISELY!!!

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant)was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, itseems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts yousee, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll dois have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose whereto spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says theSenator.
"I'm sorry, but we haveour rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friendsand other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times theyhad while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly gameof golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having agood time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it istime to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, upand the door reopens In heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Nowit's time to visit heaven...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls movingfrom cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now chooseyour eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would neverhave said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would bebetter off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down tohell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren landcovered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting itin black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and weate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Nowthere's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. Whathappened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on November 6, 2012

 

[Daddubo]

If you are going to fish with a hand grenade throw it don't drop it next to the boat

 

[Trucky]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Trucky]

My Favorite Animal ~

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal is, and I told her, 'Fried chicken.' She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone in my class laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth, and I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened; he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too! Especially chicken! Anyway my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he too laughed. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal is. I told her chicken. She asked me why; I told her, because you can make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her 'Colonel Sanders'. Guess where I am now ~ ?!!!

 

[Daddubo]

Now this is a funny voice mail it happened in Dallas:

Voice mail Accident Hilarious. Click to hear.