Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A Medical Distinction

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.
 
Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
 
Disclaimer:

This is not intended to be offensive to those folks in the Northeast affected by Hurricane Sandy.

leno.jpg
 
DUCKS & HEAVEN


Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

A long comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is

to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.





St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.


DUCKS & HEAVEN


Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

A long comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is

to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.





St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.
 
> Subject: Barbie Doll
>
>
> Don't we wish this were true for other 'dolls"?
>
>
>
>
> The Divorced Barbie Doll
>
>
> One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenlyremembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop andasks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the displaywindow?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: WorkOut Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
>
> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95and the others only $19.95?'
>
> The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken'sFurniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made withKen's balls.
>

 

The other day Iaccidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keengolfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and calledout,
“Are you okay? What'syour name?"
"It’s Jack, and I’m OK thanks," Ireplied.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come tomy villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Ianswered, “but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabethinsisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive."Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won'tlike it."
After a restorative brandy, and somedriving and putting lessons, I thanked my hostess.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be reallyupset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said witha smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said
 
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If y...ou see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
 
Ole's fishing boat

Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawingin a small upstate
Minnesota town.

He brought it home and Lena looks at him and says, "Vot da heck
you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a
boat widin 50 miles uv here."

Ole says, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."

Sven came over to visit several days later. He sees Lena and asks
where Ole is.

She says, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the
field behind the house.

Sven heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a
fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
a big field.

He yells out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"

Ole replies, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma
doing?"

Sven yells back, "It'sa people lika you that give people from
Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud
svim, I'd come out dere and kick yorass."
 
Mayan guy: "Wanna get a beer?"

Other Mayan Guy: "I'm working on this calendar, but
I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world."
 
Old Umbrellas
Best Senior Moment I've heard!
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction
between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the
evils of America .
I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester
offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of
friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said,
"Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said:
"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in
Korea , and a son in Vietnam ..
All three died so a ***** like you could have the right to stand here and
badmouth our country.
If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."
~ God Bless America ~ I love getting old

 
On abitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Michigan werelistening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowploughs can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
 
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.
 
Subject: Kim Jung Un



Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership. He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon. So he is made the "Beloved Leader" of North Korea. Terrific!

Oh crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing. We took an arrogant community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him President of the United States - - - - TWICE !!!
I'm sorry I brought this up. Never mind.
--

 
Stoppedby police @ 2am


An elderly man was stopped by the policearound 2 a.m and was asked ​
where he was going at that time of night.​



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and theeffects it has on the human body,
As well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time ofnight?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."​
​
 
Is this going to be a great year? When the numbers match up like this it HAS to be something special!

In this New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.



 
We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
A Flock of chickens,
A School of fish
And a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:
A Pride of lions,
A Murder of crows
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most
obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least
intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a
group of baboons?
Believe it or not... A Congress!

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
That pretty much explains the things that
come out of Washington !

You just can't make this stuff up.
 
No dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, at a recent linguistics conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world ,
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !"

Hisanswer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes, and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen.
 
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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!
"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"
Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper
 
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