Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

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I guy who's stranded in the desert and dying of thirst comes across an old man selling neck ties in the middle of nowhere.

He croaks: "Water. Please, I'm dying here."

The old man tells him that he has no water but asks if he wants to buy a tie.

"Are you crazy? I don't need a tie. I need water."

He's told that there's a beautiful hotel about 40 miles north of them and crawls off in that direction. About a week later he crawls back in worse shape than ever. His clothes are gone and he's burnt to a crisp.

The old man asks him what happened.

"Bastards wouldn't let me in without a tie. "
 
I guy sits down at a bar and the bartender can tell he's already smashed. When he refuses to serve him the guy begs and pleads until the bartender agrees to pour him one drink snd that's it.

The guy shoots the drunk down and immediately pukes all over the front of his shirt. When the bartender comes over he tells him in a panic that If he goes home like this one more time his wife will throw him out.

He desperately offers the bartender 10 bucks for his shirt and promises to bring it back tomorrow. The bartender refuses but suggests that he go home, tell his wife that somebody else puked on him and gave him 10 bucks for his trouble.

He loves this idea, goes home and tells his wife the story. She looks at the bill he handed her and says "I dont understand, this is a 20."

He says: "Oh yeah, I forgot, he shit in my pants also."
 
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