Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

Blueone said:
What do Santa’s elves listen to while at work?



Wrap music :)
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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred waters. This is forbidden! As punishment we will torture you all to death. Then we will take the skin from your torso and use the leather to make a canoe. However, I will allow each of you one request before you die".

The Frenchman thinks for a minute then speaks "I request a knife".

The chief nods his head and a tribesman quickly gives the Frenchman a knife. The Frenchman looks the chief in the eye and says "I will not let you torture me! VIVA LA FRANCE!"

He then proceeds to stab himself through the eye and dies instantly.

The chief snaps his fingers and the Frenchman's body is dragged away to be skinned. He then turns to the Englishman.

The Englishman thinks then says "I too would like a knife".

Like before, the chief honours his wish and he is given a knife.

"I will not let you torture me either. RULE BRITANNIA AND GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!"

He then proceeds to stab himself through the temple and dies instantly.

The chief snaps his fingers and the Englishman's body is dragged away to be skinned.

Finally, he turns to the Australian.

The Australian immediately askes for a fork. So the chief gets him a fork.

The Australian takes the fork in hand and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his chest, screaming "TRY MAKING YOUR FUCKING CANOE NOW!"
 
Big Al said:
Good one.

When I use that type of reasoning with my wife when she buys stuff or want to buy stuff and she wants to justify it , I get the: "You , you have your boat" answer....
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Al, I married your wife's sister. That is her "ACE". MY boat. Pisses me to shit. I had to quit carrying my gun!
 
You can heliarc weld aluminum and have it come out right, just saying
 
It's a new language called talk to text that doesn't work for shit cuz my right arm still messed up
 
JayhawkCurtis said:
View attachment 157841
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Story time, early teens, found a guy in phone book named Ollie Christmas, black guy. So one Christmas being the asshls we were we called and harassed the fark out of him, but he was cool. So every Christmas the boys and I would call him “Ollie Ollie Christmas “.
We kept it up for long time until it went from prank to him expecting the call and we would talk to him, and we became friends. We finally reached drinking age and one Christmas we met him at a bar. 6 of the boys and him.
What a great time, he loved it, we loved it. Farkin memory. I know he dead by now, but every Christmas I think about Ollie.
What they say, as long as somebody remembers you you’re not really dead. Every Christmas Ollie lives.
That is a true story!
 
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