Help ease a father's mind

It was rewarding when I was told by my daughter "I should have listened to you more. You were usually right but you know me, I had to find things out for myself."....
 
It can be tough, but it’s going to happen so look at the positives. Obviously he wants to do it and it sounds like he is well prepared. Maine is awesome to visit for you. He knows how to get home to visit.

Our daughter left for school for 10 years. Only came home to visit because she was doing research for the university year round as part of her program. After getting her post graduate fellowships out of the way at a local cancer institute, she took a position with a large pharmaceutical company in NJ doing stuff I can’t pronounce but basically is clinical trial analysis and drug modeling. The point being that there’s nothing for her here in our area so we don’t figure she’ll be back.
She’s 40 now and hasn’t lived with us since she was 18. I don’t feel we’ve really missed anything. She’s an awesome tour guide when we go visit her, takes us to all these great little restaurants in NY City. When we did the loop she met us in Chicago and spent 5 days with us on the boat and was like a guide there because she traveled there often on business. Met us in the keys, another 4 or five days on the boat. 2 years later when we went to the Bahamas, she spent a week on the boat there. As I type this, she is on her way here for a few days on this holiday weekend and she is coming alone, no son in law, as he is spending the holiday with his family elsewhere. She will be spending almost all her time here on the boat, including over nights because that’s what she wants.
My son is local, we see him all the time but none of that stuff happens with him because he can spend time with us any time. We don’t get to see her all the time and I think that because of it, the time we do get has often been the makings of great memories in special places. You’ve been great parents getting him to this point, start saving up those flyer miles and make the best of it.
 
Last edited:
My daughter is a gypsy. No really, an honest to god gypsy. Throw back to the Electric Kool Aid Acid Test book. Lives in a van with a dog, all tattooed up. Stayed with us a couple weeks, left yesterday for NC for a while then parts unknown. Last winter she was living on an island of coast of Puerto Rico. Lord knows where this winter. Free spirited. Flower child. 39, no kids, no hubby, nobody telling her what to do, where to be, no rules. Lives a life most only dream of. Few possessions total freedom.
At times I could kill her, at times I envy her.
Oh you may ask how does she make a living? It’s a different world. She has a laptop, works remotely from anywhere. Does convention planning for corporate clients.
 
Last edited:
All great story’s of life and love hearing them.

I wanted to do the drive with him but him being independent like he is he told me dad I really want to do a drive by myself for the whole experience!

Damn. Lol

he is a only child so I think this is why it is tough on me.
He does have cousins along the way one in Omaha one in Detroit one in Vermont so he will be stoping and seeing them as he makes his way.

I think the Anticipation of him leaving is what has me down. I know once he is on his way I might feel better.
Again great stories from all of you.
Keep them coming.
 
He is 23. Living on his own is what he is supposed to be doing. You did your job. My kids were on their own at 21. One is CEO of a large public software company. The other is self employed writing computer code. Last thing you want is a kid living in your basement. Zoom with him.
 
For the first 3-4 weeks, you don't call him. If he calls, that's ok. This is what we learned when the kids went to college.
 
I feel your pain. My daughter and family had to move from New Hampshire to Oregon due to son-in-laws work. Took two grand kids with them! Had another one while out there.
I thought, "I can't see these kids any time I want!" My wife was a mess.
Covid came and they allowed their employees to work form home. My son-in-law packed 'em up and moved back to NH! Whoo Hoo!!
Silver lining for Covid!
 
This is an interesting thread, I always assumed parents were excited to see their kids leave. I'm not a parent so this thread is giving me a different perspective.
 
@Joint Custody Your son moving out on his own is what is supposed to happen. We raise our kids to live their lives, not ours.

Your son will be fine. Or he won't. But the outcome isnt up to you. Let him live his life, and if you have the means, let him know he always has a safety net. It is up to him to set his own path, make his own decisions, and fight his own battles. He will be more successful at that if he knows you trust him and he knows you have his back if things dont work out.

2 1/2 years ago my 24 yr old son moved across the country to a completely new area for his dream job. The whole thing fell apart on him during covid, so he moved back home and went through a difficult period. In the 2+ years since then he almost died from a sudden illness, broke 5 vertebre and 7 ribs in a skiing accident, found a new, very challenging job that he is amazing at, became a national-qualifying triathlete, broke up with one girlfriend and found another. None of that was on his roadmap when he left for his dream job. You can't control what life hands you, and you cant handle it for him. Just let him know you are there for him, and get him on his way.
 
A little off topic, I'm curious to hear when you cut the financial support. I was listening to a buddy talk the other night about his son, who recently graduated from college and moved out yet they still help pay his rent, and make sure he has enough money each month to pay his bills.

My folks never did that, I've been on my own since right after high school. One of my brothers two kids, his daughter, was quite a challenge for him. Drugs, alcohol, you name it, yet he continued to pay her bills into her late twenties, early thirties. I never understood it, but again I'm not a parent.
 
Alright Jim, I will chime in here. My oldest daughter (with my ex) was taken to Japan (Stepdad/Navy) then Nebraska as a kid. Then, as an adult moved to Alaska, and due to her bitch mother we didn't have a good relationship. Fast forward a couple of years, she called me and asked me to come visit. She missed her Dad. I told my wife years ago that my daughter would call me someday and realize I did everything in my power to be in her life. She has had a lot of life experiences in her short 26 years including drug addiction (and recovery) and now knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her Dad will ALWAYS be there for her. Better yet, my other 4 kids know it too, watching what I went through with her. You have a great relationship with your son. You will spend a little more time flying instead of boating, but so what? Dropping my daughters off at college was 2 of the hardest days of my life and they are both about 3 hours away!! We raise them to be independent.
 
Joint Custody said:
Looking for a little advise and just needed to vent.

Sorry not a boating issue but you all on here have lots of wisdom so any good advice would be welcomed.

My son 23 years old will be moving from Utah to Portland Maine in 12 days. He will be starting a job with the state of maine on the 19th.

We raised him to be independent and this move proves that . He is well traveled and has spent time on his own overseas and has live on his own in Utah since he was 18.

3000 miles from utah seams like a long !@#$%$% way and I have been a mess all this week knowing that the move is coming up.
He has found a good place to live in south portland. As a dad I just worry . He will know no one there and just the thought of him being alone and not knowing the area for all things needed in life has me a mess.

I am super proud of him to have the balls to do this. I know this is his adventure and i am embracing it however Maine feels like a million miles away at this point.

Any advice about how to deal with this and any of you from that area that have input would be welcomed.

Thanks
Jim
Click to expand...

Jim you sound like a great father, you need to trust that you have done your part in teaching him the ways of the world. Now it is time to trust in that and let your son make his own mistakes and success stories to be proud of. Their not perfect and neither were we when we started out. Just be supportive in all that he does and help where you can, but don't baby. Remember sometimes the best help can be no help and only guidance.

Sounds like your son will be fine, perhaps you may need some Xanax to get by. :D
 
mrsrobinson said:
A little off topic, I'm curious to hear when you cut the financial support. I was listening to a buddy talk the other night about his son, who recently graduated from college and moved out yet they still help pay his rent, and make sure he has enough money each month to pay his bills.
Click to expand...

My kids are 23 and 24, both out of college and both employed. Both are still on my cell phone plan, both are still on my health insurance because there is no incremental premium. Both pay their own day to day medical bills, but if there is a MAJOR event we have covered it. One lives at home but buys his own food, Both pay their own auto insurance, etc. We don't give either of them additional financial support, but we have always told them we wont let them be homeless and we wont let them go hungry.
 
mrsrobinson said:
A little off topic, I'm curious to hear when you cut the financial support. I was listening to a buddy talk the other night about his son, who recently graduated from college and moved out yet they still help pay his rent, and make sure he has enough money each month to pay his bills.

My folks never did that, I've been on my own since right after high school. One of my brothers two kids, his daughter, was quite a challenge for him. Drugs, alcohol, you name it, yet he continued to pay her bills into her late twenties, early thirties. I never understood it, but again I'm not a parent.
Click to expand...
My kids had our support until they got their first job after college. We kept them on our health insurance because it was free. We kept them on our car insurance to let them get their feet under them (a couple years). My youngest is still on our cell plan 'cause it's only $15/month. Of course we will back stop them, but not support a lavish lifestyle.

Now my siblings are a different story....They both "borrowed" $800,xxx from my Mom. My brother, who lives a very lavish lifestyle likes to appear wealthy. He used the money to support that lifestyle, purchasing a Land Rover for his wife, a Raptor for his son and and a Jeep Wrangler for his daughter. My sister did downsize her house, but there were always new TVs, Macbooks, cars and iPhones even when she and her husband were out of work. My Mom would always tell me "you'd do the same for your children". No I would NOT. If they fall on hard times, I have a room for them in the house I paid for. And I'll make sure their basic needs are met. But I'm not just going to write checks, not me.

When I figured out how much my siblings had taken, I put my foot down. I moved everything into her trust, which I am the trustee on. I told my siblings they were done. My Mom confronted me and I told her I would resign as trustee and one of my siblings could take over if she wrote them 1 more check. She knows what would happen if one of them got control of her finances and has never mentioned it again.
 
I read all these posts and find something familiar in each one.;) My self I wish I could have some do overs, sorry Mom & Dad.

My own kids had some struggles for a couple years but they got things figured out now. I found it best to keep what I think to myself, if they want to know they'll ask...sometimes they do.

My daughter, 49yo, lives about a quarter mile down the driveway and my son, 42yo, lives about 3.5hrs away. I don't see her much more than I see him if you don't count passing on the driveway.

In my sons case it was drinking that caused his problems. When he bought his first house he was single, rented rooms to a couple buddies and it was a party 24/7. His first wife was brought into that shit, nothing wrong with her but she just wasn't the right match for him and his buds.

Wife number 2 is a different person and has an awesome affect on him, he's different now. In just a couple years 2 new kids, a new house, some new friends, and a new job. I think he'll make it.:)
 
We raised our children to be self sufficient after college. We paid for college for 4 years plus grad school if they chose to go. But they were expected to work during the summer and earn spending money for college. They received average allowances growing up but mowed the lawn and did other house hold jobs for the money. They lived typical middle class lives (as did we) and drove their mother's car ( a station wagon) when it was available. One got speeding tickets and paid the insurance surcharge. He was on the verge of losing his driving privileges (from us, not the State) due to tickets. Both understood our expectation that they would be on their own after college. They graduated on time with responsible jobs. One is CEO of an international software company and the other is self employed writing computer code. There is no one best way to raise children as there is a certain amount of luck involved. Health problems in particular warrant a compassionate response. Assuming children are normal and healthy, it is best to love them, set them up for life and get out of the way. Both have told us much later in life how much they appreciate the expectations we set for them and the work ethics they learned growing up.
 
Our daughter has not moved too far away - about 2hrs drive. She is working on her PhD at UNC Chapel Hill - there was a point where she was looking to move to Baltimore or Boston, not sure how I would have handled that. I guess no matter how old she is or how successful she becomes in what ever she does, I will always see her as our little girl - to me it's like she stopped aging around 20yrs old. The truth is she is much smarter and competent that I am. If she moved to the other side of the world I would support her -- but I might move there too!
 
Our story is similar to sbw1. Bought two MET (Michigan Education Trust) contracts when they were first offered in the late 1980's sometime. That cost about $16,000 and got me two undergrad degrees (MSU and CMU) a dozen years later. I bought each boy a car (used), rented and furnished their first apartment when they found employment, and sent them on their way. They've done well and have never been unemployed. One is in the medical field and the other in the web/software arena. They haven't always taken the path I would have traveled, but it was their path to take.
 
I am not a dad/father - knowing when to say No with the financial support would be difficult for me. My parents "cut me lose" after high school and I really did not receive support from then the last few years of high school, other than a roof over my head, meals, etc. I started working in the 10th grade; after that I paid for everything. I paid for college as well, my rent, books, car, insurance, everything. I worked at night.

So, that's what I know.

I am not sure as as a parent I could be as generous as some of you have been but maybe it would be different if I was actually a parent.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Forum statistics

Threads
113,289
Messages
1,430,080
Members
61,155
Latest member
Dannya1981
Back
Top