Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he
was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Naval Air Station walked in
and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a support monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put
a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the sergeant, saying, "That'll be
$1,000." The sergeant paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive
monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a combat support monkey, he can rig aircraft
flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PT test, set up a perimeter defense and
perform the duties of air traffic controller with no mistakes. It's well worth the
money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--
$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one is a aviation "Maintenance Supervisor"
monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the
organizational and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The
price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than
all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well" said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything but sit around,
flirt with the girl monkeys, drink beer and play with himself.....

"but his papers say he's a Navy pilot!"
 
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help!!!"

One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
 
A blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
 
The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.
 
HANGOVER RATINGS


* 1 STAR HANGOVER *

- No pain. no real feeling of illness.
- You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic
cones in there with you.
- You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
- However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched
as the Sahara.
- Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

** 2 STAR HANGOVER **

- No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
- You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity
of a stapler.
- The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
- Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some
light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.

*** 3 STAR HANGOVER ***

- Slight headache.
- Stomach feels crap.
- You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
- Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
- Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
- You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and
a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4 STAR HANGOVER ****

- You have lost the will to live.
- Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might spew.
- Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
- You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the
fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial
spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.
- Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.
- Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look
like a reject from a second-grade class circus 1976.
- You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could
go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
- You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5 STAR HANGOVER *****

- You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you.
- Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
- You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth.
- Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.
- You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your
body.
- Death seems pretty good right now.
- Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that
your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
- You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

****** 6 STAR HANGOVER ******

- You arrive home and climb into bed.
- Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.
- You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you
up.
- You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.
- No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
- You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail.
- After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
- If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls.
- You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in
the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
- Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
- Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
- Help now turns intoabuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent.
- You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out
and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.
- It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the
day as you try to climb into bed.
- She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair.
- You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for
them driving you to the hospital.
- Work is simply not an option.
- The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you
sick again, like moving.
- You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or
three hours at least you might even succeed.
 
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
 
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony near central Texas... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.


A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see ALL of our facilities.'


The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!!'
 
Top 10 reasons to get a Gun over getting a Woman

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!
 
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”
 
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
 
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60 year old.
In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a
really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well a little more than a bit)
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if
I ever had a "Sportsman's double?"
"Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother
and daughter threesome" she said.

"Oh", I said as my mind began to embrace
the idea, "No I haven't" And I wondered what
this daughter of hers might look like.

we drank a bit more, then she says with
a wink that "tonight was my lucky night"

I went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs
"Mom are you still awake?"
 
A big guy walks into a shoe store and asks the sales associate for help finding a good pair of running shoes. Thinking maybe the guy's interested in taking up jogging for his health, the clerk is happy to oblige. The clerk asks the guy what size shoe he needs and the big guy replies, "I'll take a size 7." Seeing that the man clearly has large feet, the clerk says "Are you sure, sir? I'd guess you're at least a size 12." The man insists on a size 7, so the clerk brings him the shoes.

After a few minutes of obvious discomfort and great struggle, the large man is finally able to mash his feet into the size 7 shoes. The clerk is puzzled and asks the man why he wanted shoes that were clearly far too small. The big man replies "My wife is cheating on me, my son just told me he's gay, my daughter's pregnant, and my boss is a total a$$hole, the only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes!
 
A guy confesses to his lifelong best friend." I have had sex with your wife and you have been raising my child."He then asked Is this going to make us enemies?
The friend replies"no, it makes us even!"
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us at all? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get out, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace!" "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the brand new Mercedes convertible that's parked outside, a membership to the country club, an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and a new..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. The girl, crying again, "A prostitute! "Oh! Ye scared me to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
 
Three men walk into a bar, the first man says to the other two," I bought my wife 2 gifts for Valentine's Day, a diamond necklace and a diamond bracelet that way if she doesn't like the necklace she will at least like the bracelet." The 2nd man replies," I also got my wife 2 gifts, a fur coat and a ruby necklace that way if she doesn't like the coat she will at least like the necklace." The 3rd man replies," I also got my wife 2 gifts, a t-shirt and a vibrator that way if she doesn't like the shirt, she can go screw herself."
 
Two engineering students met on campus.
The first says, "Cool bike, where'd you get it?"
The second replies, "Well, I was on my way to the physics lab when this hot chick rode up, threw the bike down, took off all her clothes, laid down on the grass, and said, 'Take what you want!' So, I took the bike."
"Good move," the first says, "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
 
How do you tell an introverted engineer from an extroverted engineer?

The introverted engineer stares at his shoes while he talks to you. The extroverted engineer stares at your shoes while he talks to you.
 
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