Joke Thread.. post 'em if you got 'em

> Understanding Engineers........
>
>
>
> Take One:
>
> Two engineering students crossing the campus whenone said, "Where did
> you get such a great bike?"
>
> The secondengineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
> minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
> She threw the bike to the ground, took off all herclothes and said,
> "Take what you want."
>
> The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Goodchoice; the clothes
> probably wouldn't have fit."
>
> Take Two:
>
> To the optimist, the glass is half full.
>
> To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
>
> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as itneeds to be.
>
> Take Three:
>
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting onemorning for a
> particularly slow group of golfers.
>
> The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? Wemust have been waiting
> for 15 minutes!"
>
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I'venever seen such
> ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, herecomes the greens keeper.
> Let's have a word with him."
>
> "Hi George! Say, what's with that group aheadof us?
>
> They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh,
> yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. Theylost their sight
> saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we alwayslet them play
> for free anytime."
>
> The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,"That's so sad. I
> think I will say a special prayer for themtonight." The doctor said,
> "Good idea. And I'm going to contact myophthalmologist buddy and see
> if there's anything he can do for them."
>
> The engineer said, "Why can't these guys playat night?"
>
> Take Four:
>
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineersand Civil
> Engineers?
>
> Mechanical Engineers build weapons and CivilEngineers build targets.
>
> Take Five:
>
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Whydoes it work?"
>
> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,"How does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,"How much will it cost?"
>
> The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do youwant fries with that?"
>
> Take Six:
>
> Three engineering students were gathered togetherdiscussing the
> possible designers of the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer."Just look at all the
> joints." Another said, "No, it was anelectrical engineer.. The
> nervous system has many thousands of electricalconnections."
>
> The last one said, "Actually it was a civilengineer. Who else would
> run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreationalarea?"
>
> Take Seven:
>
> "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke,don't fix it.
>
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn'thave enough
> features yet"
>
> Take Eight:
>
> An architect, an artist and an engineer werediscussing whether it was
> better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
>
> The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,building a solid
> foundation for an enduring relationship.
>
> The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,because the passion
> and mystery he found there.
>
> The engineer said, "I like both."
>
> "Both?"
>
> "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, theywill each assume you
> are spending time with the other woman, and you cango to the lab and
> get some work done."
>
> Take Nine:
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frogcalled out to him
> and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into abeautiful princess." He
> bent over, picked up the frog and put it in hispocket.
>
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kissme and turn me back
> into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you forone week." The
> engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled atit and returned it
> to the pocket.
>
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me andturn me back into a
> princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING youwant." Again the
> engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.
>
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
> I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and thatI'll stay with you
> for a week and do anything you want. Why won't youkiss me?"
>
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. Idon't have time for a
> girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that'scool."
 
My daughter comes home from her internship at Pharmacy School in MN and starts talking about health care. A hot topic in our household. “ Hey Dad, Did you know Diarrhea is hereditary? I said, Your Kidding me! She replied, It runs in your jeans….
 
2012 DemocraticNational Convention Schedule -- Charlotte , N.C.

4:00 PM – OpeningFlag Burning Ceremony – sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM – Singing of"God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge ofAllegiance to Obama

4:15 PM – Ceremonial'I hate America' led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM – Tips on“How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world”– Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM –Al Sharpton/ Jesse Jackson seminar “How to have a successful career without having a job.”

5:00 PM – “GreatVacations I’ve Taken on the Taxpayer’s Dime Travel Log” - Michelle Obama
5:30 PM – EliotSpitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite
5:45 PM – Tribute toAll 57 States – Nancy Pelosi

6:00 PM – Sen. HarryReid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat’s appreciation of the OccupyWall Street movement, and George Soros for sparing no expense, for all thatthey have accomplished to unify the country, improve employment and to boostthe economy.

8:30 PM – Airing ofGrievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM – “Bias inMedia – How we can make it work for you” Tutorial – sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC,CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times

9:15 PM – TributeFilm to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO – Michael Moore
9:45 PM – Personal FinanceSeminar - Charlie Rangle
10:00 PM –Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers
,
10:30 PM – CeremonialWaving of White Flag for IRAQ , & Afghanistan
11:00 PM – ObamaEnergy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich withGreen Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM – Free Gov.Blagovich rally

11:30 PM – ObamaAccepts Oscar, Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding ofthe Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish – Obama Presiding
12:00 AM – Official Nominationof Obama by Bill Maher and Chris “He sends a thrill up my leg” Matthews

12:01 AM – ObamaAccepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – CelestialChoirs Sing
3:00 AM – BidenDelivers Acceptance Speech
 
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
 
FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SANDIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT:

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer theMarine Corps
beats working for old man Minch bya mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe
all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., butam
getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warmwater.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on cof!fee. Their food plus yours holds you tillnoon
when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "routemarches",
which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us If he thinks so,
it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about asfar as to
our mailbox at home. Then the cityguys get sore feet and we all ride back
in trucks. The country is nice butawful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like
the school board. Majors andcolonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. Thebulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain'tshooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there allcomfortable and hit it You don't even load
your own cartridges. They comein boxes.
Then we have what they! call hand-to hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I haveto be real careful though, they break real
easy. It ain't like fightingwith that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that TugJordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him
once. He joined up the sametime as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds,
and he's 6'8" and weighs near300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail.
 
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids
After his talk he offers question time
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name
" Walter," responds the little boy
"And what is your question, Walter?""I have fourquestions"First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support ofthe Congress?"Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economywhen it's actually gotten worse?"Third, "Why did you say thatJeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about hispreaching and beliefs?"Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil todrill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"Just then, thebell rings for recess
Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:question time
Who has a question?"Another little boy puts up his hand
Obama points him out and asks him his name
"Steve," he responds
"And what is your question, Steve?"Actually, I have two questions
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
Second, "What the f*#k happened to Walter?"
 
I'm in the drive through at Arbbys,I lean over to grab a quater I dropped on the pass.side floor. My darn foot slips off the brake and I bump into the car in front of me. In that split second I'm thinking OH _uck! The dudes door flies open and he's a dwarf! He comes running back to my truck and says "I'M NOT HAPPY"! and I say no?, which one are you?
 
Two little boys, ages 8and 10, are
excessively mischievous.

They are always gettinginto trouble
and their parentsknow if any mischief
occurs in their town,the two boys are
probably involved.

The boys' motherheard that a preacher
in town had beensuccessful in disciplining children
so she asked if hewould speak
with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually.

The mother sent the8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy tosee the preacher in the
afternoon.

The preacher, a huge manwith a deep booming
voice, sat theyounger boy down and asked him
sternly,

"Do you knowwhere God is, son?"

The boy's mouth droppedopen, but he made
no response,sitting there wide-eyed with his
mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeatedthe question in
an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made noattempt to answer.

The preacherraised his voice even bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed &bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behindhim.

When his olderbrother found him in the
closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother,gasping for breath, replied,
"We are inBIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing,and they think WE did it!"
 
535988_244536968994346_844968700_n.jpg
 
So this gorgeous blond comes home from the tatoo parlor and is excited to show her boyfriend her new tatoo. She drops her shorts and shows him a beautifully done tatoo of a sea shell high up on her right leg, right near the top of her leg.

Her boyfriend looks at her with a questioning gaze and says "I don't get it. Why a sea shell, and why there?"

She looks at him and says "Well stupid, if you put your ear up next to it you can smell the ocean."
 
Yodeling.

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
 


I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said "What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.




 
Rules of Combat​
USMC

1.Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2.Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3.Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4.If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5.Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6.If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7.In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8.If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9.Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10.Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11.Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12.In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13.Have a plan.
14.Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15.Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16.Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17.Don't drop your guard.
18.Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19.Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20.Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21.The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22.Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23.Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24.Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25.Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

1.See USMC Rules for combat
2.Add 60 to 90 days
3.Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy

1.Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2.Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3.Send in the Marines
4.Drink Coffee
5.Bring back the Marines

Air Force

1.Kiss the spouse good-bye
2.Drive to the flight line
3.Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4.Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5.Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

SEMPER FI
 
Posted this in the Holding tank but should be ok here!


$50 Lesson.

I ask my friends little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said President of the United States.....her parents beamed with pride.

So I ask her...If you were President of the US, what would be the first thing you would want to do?

She replied....I would give food and housing to all the homeless people.

Wow....what a worthy goal I said to her. But you don't have to wait till you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep the driveway and I'll pay you $50. When you're finished, I can take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 to use towards food and a new house.

She thought it over for a few seconds and then looked me straight in the eye and said....Why doesn't this homeless guy come over and do all the work and you can pay him the $50?

I said, Welcome to the Republican Party! Her parents are still not talking to me.
 
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from Typing the wrong email address!!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 4th, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
 
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:

Two guys were discussingpopular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up tohis father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause Istill have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I havereviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I'vedecided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'lltry to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a womanwho had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'Idon't like the looks of your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really goodwith the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to theWizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that wereused to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls DeltaAirlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from SanFrancisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectiveswere investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering fromsurgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor usedin surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping forvacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It hadbeen at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying abathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside servicejust barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by atremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in thedistance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
 
One sunny day in the latter part of January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where He'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would Like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go In and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
 
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